fourstrings | and i say it's worth it, too

and i say it's worth it, too

[ He’d been wrong for so long. All those dreams, all that talk of being a hero, and it turns out doing the heroic stuff is kinda shitty. 13-year-old Zack Fair packing his bags to head off and join up with Shinra would have been horrified to even think it, but a quiet life is pretty damn good.

That’s what they have now, for the most part. Cloud hooked him up with a place to stay (in the same house as Cloud, but not in the same room) and a job (for Cloud’s delivery business – Cloud Strife, entrepreneur! Who’d have thought?), and even friends, even if Aerith smacks him in the arm (with tears in her eyes, to be fair) over all her unanswered letters. And it’s good. It’s good to have fighting be the rare exception rather than the norm, to get up early because he wants to rather than because he’ll get hauled into disciplinary proceedings if he doesn’t, to come home at the end of the day to meals they all pitch in to make and a table full of laughter. And it’s so, so good to be with Cloud. Even if he hasn’t been – you know, with Cloud.

Not that they haven’t been intimate! Some of the time they’ve spent together has felt more intimate, more naked than any of the sex they’d had before... everything. Times Cloud came into his room and held him close and ran quiet fingers through his hair after Zack woke up screaming from another dream about Cloud being trapped in that mako tank again. Times when they’d laid together on the bed and Cloud had told Zack what he remembered and Zack had filled in the blanks, wanting to be careful not to overwhelm him but so eager to share he almost couldn’t help it. And they’ve kissed, a few times, chastely and briefly – but there’s still a distance between them. Zack had thought Cloud might have had someone else, for a little while. Been convinced he was with Tifa, who is beautiful and funny and kind but not enough of any of those things for Zack not to feel relieved when she smiled at him and told him no, no. We tried it, but... it didn’t work out. It’s just... Cloud, keeping a kind and polite but pretty firm boundary between them.

It’s okay. It’s okay! A lot has changed! Cloud has been through so much that he seems like the older one now, and Zack had... died, maybe, but at least not been there for some literal world-endingly intense stuff. But he still loves Cloud, in that way where you know no matter what you do or what you try it’s not going away, and still wants him. So Zack does his best to be respectful, telling himself that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

That doesn’t mean he’s gonna turn down a chance to help it along, though. So when it’s a quiet evening and the house is empty but for the two of them – unheard of, but Barrett and the girls have taken the kids out to see some show – and the lights are low and Cloud is talking in his quiet, measured way about something that had happened out at work and Zack doesn’t hear a word of it because he’s thinking yet again about how gorgeous Cloud is -

well, who’s gonna hold it against him if he leans in and kisses Cloud right on the mouth?

...not Cloud, hopefully. ]

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Are you kidding? If it got you through, I'm glad.

[ It's not the time to laugh, but there's a suggestion of it there in his voice. ]

I was torn up about that for a while, you know? Laying all of that on you. I kept thinking maybe you wouldn't have been so messed up if I hadn't said what I said. Tifa caught me moping once and beat it out of me the way she does - you know, that thing with the big eyes and the soft voice. Way scarier than when she's kicking ass. But she told me Zack, maybe you shouldn't hold yourself accountable for things you said after massive blood loss, and she's got a point.

Thing is, as messed up as it was, if your memories of me turning into memories of you gave you even a little bit of the strength that got you through all that? I'm glad I said it. I'd do it again. I'm sorry it sucked for you, and I'm sorry you feel so bad about it that you think it's something I'd need to forgive, but if it helped saved you I can't regret it.

[ it’s hard to even swallow past the lump in his throat. honestly, forgiveness was all cloud had ever thought to hope for, but this… it’s absolution. complete and tender and unconditional understanding, and it burrows down into a place that’s been cold and aching for so long and makes it warm.

cloud can’t help himself. he leans forward and bumps their foreheads together, reaching up to tangle his free hand into zack’s thick, dark hair. (and even that is a marvel, something worthy of a quiet celebration that he gets to have it again.) ]

… I’m starting to think Aerith is right when she says we might both be idiots. [ and his voice is thick, but it’s warm with a smile. ]

She usually is.

[ Said as if it's an immense strain to admit, but he's smiling too. He goes easily into the way Cloud pulls him close, squeezing the hand laced with his own, relishing the feel of Cloud's hand in his hair. It's good. Good to be close like this, good to have it all out in the open even though half an hour ago he'd probably almost rather get back in that tank than risk saying any of it out loud. He'd been keeping the bullet in the wound and expecting it to scab over and stop hurting, ignoring that it needed to come out before it could heal right. And they've got a ways to go, sure, but he feels so much lighter. ]

So... you wanna tell me about why the road to Junon is more expensive now, or..?

Maybe later.

[ it’s like this happiness has settled into his chest, suffusing all of him with a warm and golden glow. it’s why he can’t stop the little smile from tugging at the corner of his mouth, and what inspires him to shift until he can rub their noses together.

a silly, childish show of affection, almost like they’re two dumb teenagers again. ] Didn’t you say there was something else you wanted to do, first?

[ That's all the invitation he needs. They're so close already it's nothing to close that little gap, to press his lips to Cloud's. Soft, at first, just a sweet little press, but the want has been building so long that he can't help deepening it almost immediately. Cloud's different, he's different, the world is different - but this is just the same. Kissing Cloud feels right. It's getting home to a house that smells of your mom's cooking, it's jumping into a hot shower after getting caught in freezing rain. It's everything he knew it would be, but better. ]

[ and for the first time, cloud doesn’t just leave it at that. almost as soon as zack opens his mouth to him, cloud deepens the kiss with a low sound of want, tightening that hand in zack’s hair and leaning closer just so that he can press into him. suddenly, no lack of distance can get them close enough; being two separate people is unbearable. ]

[ Oh, that's good. Sometimes when they've been close it's felt like Cloud was doing it for Zack, slipping in to comfort him at night after a nightmare, responding to touch or fleeting kisses because he knew how much Zack needed it. This? Cloud pressing in to it, making a sound that says he wants it just as much as Zack does? It lights him up, floods him with warmth, and Zack moves closer so he can curl his arms around Cloud too, press him tight as he always wants to keep him. Warm, safe, connected. Their tongues slide against each other and he hums low at the feel of it, something that's both familiar and something from so long ago that it almost feels new again.

He'd said he wanted to kiss Cloud until they were breathless with it, but there's a very real chance he's going to just forget how to breathe at all. ]

[ if cloud had his way, absolutely nothing would stop him from kissing zack exactly like this for as long as he’s able. it feels like he’s been drowning for ages and this is his first breath of air; it goes beyond a want and into a need, something bone deep and powerful.

… but also.

he breaks away, slowly, reluctantly. doesn’t go far, but pulls back enough to be able to say: ] … do you need me to go slow with you?

[ because he will. of course he will, he’d do anything zack needed, always. but it’s important to lay things out on the table now, before the heat of it takes over and makes him so crazy he forgets that there might be a boundary. ]

Nuh-uh.

[ That's probably a thought that could do with some elaboration. He should tell Cloud that for all that he's trying to redefine himself in a world unlike the one he knew, the one thing he's certain of is Cloud. That he never feels safer or more sure than when they're together, whether it's easy laughter or just companionable silence. That he's ached for this and more, that acting like he didn't need it felt like lying every day and the truth of this lifts a burden that he hadn't fully understod the weight of until it was gone. That he wants to tangle them up together until they almost can't tell whose body is whose, so connected that they might as well be one.

What he does is lean back in. More, please! ]

[ the way zack leans back into him like a puppy demanding that scritches be resumed after an interruption is enough to make cloud exhale a little laugh. but it already feels like they’ve wasted too much time for cloud to want to waste anymore — he leans back in and presses their mouths together again, taking his time. kissing zack like he wants to learn his mouth all over again, like he’s savoring it. ]

[ Cloud laughs before he kisses him again, and that makes it even sweeter. He tries his best to match Cloud's pace - it's slow, not exactly careful. More like he's trying to soak it up, to enjoy it for what it is. It's a good idea - they've gone without for so long - so Zack tries not to kiss him like he's trying to lose himself in Cloud and act more like it's a journey they're on together.

His hands are not getting with the program. One of them rises to tangle in Cloud's hair, the other roams desperately over him - the broader set of his shoulders, his back, the neat dip of his waist. Be patient, be patient, he tells himself, but when his hand settles on Cloud's hip there's no stopping the determined stray thumb that darts up under Cloud's shirt in search of warm, bare skin. ]

[ the feeling of zack’s hand on him is good. cloud’s not as scrawny as he used to be, but zack’s hands are still big enough to make him feel small. and even that tease of contact is enough to make cloud ache for more — especially when zack slips his thumb underneath cloud’s shirt, almost like he’s just as desperate for it.

cloud breaks away from the kiss, nosing affectionately along zack’s jaw. ] Might be better if we —

Upstairs?

Yeah.

[ Upstairs is music to Zack's ears. It's exactly what he wants, what he needs, and it's Cloud's suggestion, which makes it even better. But upstairs involves relinquishing his grip on Cloud, and his hands don't want to comply. Like a kid failing the marshmallow test, he slips that hand higher until it's all the way under Cloud's shirt and his fingertips tingle at being reunited with Cloud's skin. He hums low in his throat, nuzzles his face against Cloud's. It's so good to feel him like this again that detaching himself feels like the greatest trial he's faced so far. ]

[ well. clearly zack’s too busy to make the long and arduous journey upstairs, but that’s okay.

if there’s one thing cloud can thank all the mako-enhancements for, it’s this: he stands up and gets one arm under zack, then hefts the bigger man up into his arms like he weighs nothing at all. and really, he could navigate the bar with his eyes closed, so there’s nothing to prevent him from catching zack’s mouth in another kiss as he carts him right upstairs. into his room, because he’s been waiting for what feels like ages to say that zack belongs there.

then? because cloud strife is a paragon of romance? he dumps zack right on the bed like a sack of potatoes, grinning at the sight of him sprawling there. it’s tempting to join him, but —
]

Wait a sec. I’ve been wanting to show you something.

[ then it’s over to the closet. the search for it is quick, because cloud knows right where he keeps the folder, and then he’s back. sitting down on the edge of the bed, flipping through the documents stuffed inside. the deed to the house in costa del sol is in here, and —

aha. tugging out a little stack of paper neatly pinned together at one corner with a paper clip. the first is a deed to some property — a few acres about an hour away from midgar. the rest are all assorted newspaper clippings, and the first reads: RECORD BREAKING GOLD CHOCOBO ENJOYS HER R&R AT FAIRWEATHER FARMS.

it’s that one that he slides over to zack, almost shyly. not making eye contact, stuffing the rest of the papers back where they belong. ] I don’t know if you remember, but —

[ Getting scooped up and carried like a blushing bride gets a little ooh! out of Zack that's better fitted to a schoolgirl seeing her crush than a genetically enhanced supersoldier, and he laughs when Cloud just dumps him on the bed -

but when he looks at the article he sucks in a sharp breath and goes quiet. Traces the name in the headline with a tender fingertip, his smile soft and trembling at the edges. ]

Fairweather Farms. This is yours?

[ Cloud might not be making eye contact, but Zack's eyes are glued to his face, searching. It's... amazing. So wonderful, to think that with everything that was going on Cloud still had time to make little dreams like that come true for himself. ]

Yeah.

[ he is not a sixteen year old kid anymore, but somehow? zack still knows how to make him blush. ] We were pretty strapped for money on the road, so, uh. [ a little sheepish! how do you explain that you stopped in the middle of saving the world for side quests? ] We got into racing chocobos at the Gold Saucer. Ended up being pretty good at it, actually.

And after everything was over, we needed a place to keep the birds… [ he’s got pictures, too! passing them over. a picture of the elderly couple who lives in the little guest cottage and looks after the place, hugging cloud (who looks like he’s two seconds away from bolting) on either side and waving at the camera. a picture of marlene leaning up to put a flower crown on one of the birds while denzel watches from the background. a picture of tifa and aerith sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on the front porch steps, watching the sun go down. a picture of barret very enthusiastically driving a tractor, and then a picture immediately after that of the tractor smoking in a ditch. ] I didn’t remember a lot, but… I remembered that. The way we promised.

The Buster Sword is there, too. [ after everything, he’d taken it away from that cliff. spent a few days and plenty of elbow grease shining her back up to new, then had it mounted up above the mantle with a little plaque underneath. for zack fair, hero. ] We can go see it someday, if you want.

Wow.

[ It's a stupid thing to get tearful over! Chocobo racing and photos of flipped tractors! But the other stuff, too. Cloud doing something just to fill a need and turning out to be the best at it. Their girls on the porch, the kids with the chocobos, even that hug from the cute old couple - little moments of beauty and joy, captured and tucked away safe for Cloud to keep. And Cloud remembering their promise, making it real even when Zack wasn't around to keep it for.

Zack tries, and mostly fails, to pull himself together. Huffs a little exhale and smiles. ]

I'd like that a lot.

Good. Your name’s on the deed, anyway.

[ it’s the last piece of paper he passes over. both of their names, even if cloud had been the only one around to sign. helpful to have a guy like reeve owe you half a dozen favors, after all.

and now he can’t resist the urge to lean in and press a kiss to the little criss-crossed scars on zack’s cheek. ] I’m sorry I didn’t get to take you there sooner.

Cloud.

[ He really is going to lose it. Tragic, to come so close to finally getting laid again and then start blubbing like a kid. He'd better take his chance while he has it. He sets the papers aside - carefully, with the respect they deserve - and catches Cloud's face in both hands to kiss him while it's still just a prickle of tears.

He can understand why he didn't know any of this sooner - Cloud was never the type to brag about his accomplishments, and it'd take more than a mako mindwipe to turn him into the kind of guy who'd open with "here's all the cool shit I did while you were pickled" - but it aches in the best way to know it. To know that even with everything he went through there was still time for fun, for beauty, and building something secure. ]

I love you.

I love you too.

[ it’s a truth that comes as easy as breathing. even when nearly all of his memories were lost, scattered fragments of glass littered across the landscape of his mind, that had nestled deep inside his heart and waited safely there. and when tifa helped him piece his mind back together in the lifestream, it had been the first thing to unfold itself to cloud all over again.

all along, zack’s been there. protecting him, pushing him gently forward, watching his back. and all along, he’s held cloud’s heart snugly in his hands.

he reaches up to cup zack’s face with one of his hands, and kisses him again. sweet and slow and deep, the way he’s dreamed of doing a thousand times since zack came home to him. ]

[ What is there to say to that? He wants to say it back again, wants to say it forever. Turn it into an endless loop. He can do that with more than words, though, and he takes a little revenge for Cloud carrying him up here bridal-style by taking him by the hips and pulling him into his lap. Closer, now. Still not close enough, but it's good to press into that kiss and let his hands wander up Cloud's shirt again, mapping out the swell of muscle that's deliciously new to his touch.

It's exciting and comforting both. This rediscovery of their love, the intimacy between them. As breathlessly eager as if it were brand new and soothing in its familiarity at the same time. And it grounds Zack a little too; he may not know exactly what he's for in this new reality, but he can still be one of the things he was best at: the guy who loves Cloud Strife more than anything in the world. ]

[ he laughs when zack grabs him by the hips to move him bodily closer, even if the action is enough to send a bolt of heat up all the way through him. and the way zack's hands slide up under his shirt only adds to that -- cloud arches up into the touch with a low, pleased sound to encourage more.

breaking the kiss only once he needs to breathe, but he doesn't pull away this time. scrapes his teeth over zack's lower lip, trails kisses along his jaw and then down his throat. murmuring into his skin, because he wants zack to know everything. ] I love you. I missed you.

I'm gonna marry you, if you let me.

[ Zack's busy finding openings to plant smooches on Cloud while Cloud's face is moving around doing all that kissing, but at that? He freezes. Marry? Marry him? Let him??? Like it's not the thing that would make Zack happiest out of everything in the universe?

Man, if this is a joke the comedown is gonna be rough. ]

Cloud?

Are you serious?

[ they're pressed so close together that cloud can feel it when zack goes tense, and it's enough to make him still immediately. it's easy to see how that could come off as too much -- they've only just bridged the gap back into this kind of intimacy, after all. ]

Sorry. [ pulling back so that he can look zack in the eyes, studying his face with his brow knitted. ] You don't have to say anything now. I'm not trying to rush you.

[ bumping their foreheads together gently. ] I just want you to know. You're it for me. You always have been.

No, no -

[ The forehead bump is nice, really it is, but Zack needs to be looking Cloud in the eye for this. He takes Cloud's face in his hands, pulls back enough to really look at him. ]

Can we? Like, soon. Not one day, some day. [ Because if what they've been through has taught him anything, it that when you find something good, you have to grab it tight and never let go. You can't wait for one day when things are better or more stable or more comfortable. You have to do it. ] Soon. As soon as we can pull it together. Can we?

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