and i say it's worth it, too

[exsurgo]

[ He’d been wrong for so long. All those dreams, all that talk of being a hero, and it turns out doing the heroic stuff is kinda shitty. 13-year-old Zack Fair packing his bags to head off and join up with Shinra would have been horrified to even think it, but a quiet life is pretty damn good.

That’s what they have now, for the most part. Cloud hooked him up with a place to stay (in the same house as Cloud, but not in the same room) and a job (for Cloud’s delivery business – Cloud Strife, entrepreneur! Who’d have thought?), and even friends, even if Aerith smacks him in the arm (with tears in her eyes, to be fair) over all her unanswered letters. And it’s good. It’s good to have fighting be the rare exception rather than the norm, to get up early because he wants to rather than because he’ll get hauled into disciplinary proceedings if he doesn’t, to come home at the end of the day to meals they all pitch in to make and a table full of laughter. And it’s so, so good to be with Cloud. Even if he hasn’t been – you know, with Cloud.

Not that they haven’t been intimate! Some of the time they’ve spent together has felt more intimate, more naked than any of the sex they’d had before... everything. Times Cloud came into his room and held him close and ran quiet fingers through his hair after Zack woke up screaming from another dream about Cloud being trapped in that mako tank again. Times when they’d laid together on the bed and Cloud had told Zack what he remembered and Zack had filled in the blanks, wanting to be careful not to overwhelm him but so eager to share he almost couldn’t help it. And they’ve kissed, a few times, chastely and briefly – but there’s still a distance between them. Zack had thought Cloud might have had someone else, for a little while. Been convinced he was with Tifa, who is beautiful and funny and kind but not enough of any of those things for Zack not to feel relieved when she smiled at him and told him no, no. We tried it, but... it didn’t work out. It’s just... Cloud, keeping a kind and polite but pretty firm boundary between them.

It’s okay. It’s okay! A lot has changed! Cloud has been through so much that he seems like the older one now, and Zack had... died, maybe, but at least not been there for some literal world-endingly intense stuff. But he still loves Cloud, in that way where you know no matter what you do or what you try it’s not going away, and still wants him. So Zack does his best to be respectful, telling himself that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

That doesn’t mean he’s gonna turn down a chance to help it along, though. So when it’s a quiet evening and the house is empty but for the two of them – unheard of, but Barrett and the girls have taken the kids out to see some show – and the lights are low and Cloud is talking in his quiet, measured way about something that had happened out at work and Zack doesn’t hear a word of it because he’s thinking yet again about how gorgeous Cloud is -

well, who’s gonna hold it against him if he leans in and kisses Cloud right on the mouth?

...not Cloud, hopefully. ]

Comments

[disheroic]

[ things... are good.

and for most of cloud's life, he might have followed that thought up with better than he deserves, but he's trying to do better. trying not to let the anchor of his own self-doubt take away from moments like these, trying not to let himself get so lost in searching for forgiveness that he loses out on what's in front of him.

just having zack back is so good that cloud thinks he could make it last for a lifetime.

being able to talk with him, to share space with him, to push a thermos of coffee into his hands whenever zack stumbles down the stairs bleary-eyed in the mornings. to watch how good he is with marlene and denzel, to watch how easily the edges of their (objectively) weird little family open up to make space for him. just to see zack being alive again -- laughing at something someone's said, sore after a long day of work, enthusiastic about tifa's cooking. (and sometimes, in those stolen moments when he slides into zack's room after a nightmare to hold him, when he's allowed to just watch zack breathe.)

all of that is so good, so much more than what cloud deserves, that it's okay if things are different from the way they used to be. cloud gets it. he's different, so far removed from the starry-eyed teenager zack fell for that they might as well be different people. and zack still cares about him, wants to be close, and that's so achingly good all on its own that how is cloud supposed to ever complain about anything being missing?

and cloud never feels like he lost anything when things didn't work out with tifa; when they came to a mutual understanding that they were always going to be better as friends than as anything else. she still loves him, and he still loves her -- he doesn't need to be with her to know that. so it should be the same with zack, right? it's okay if all zack ever wants is the occasional kiss, chaste and fleeting. it's okay if the way zack tells him that he loves him now is as light as it is bright, with a hand ruffling his hair or an arm squeezing his shoulders. it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. it's enough just to have him, it's enough.

it's just that sometimes, maybe, he gets tangled up in some shard of memory about the way things used to be. the way zack used to kiss him like he wanted to climb all the way inside him, until they were both breathless and dizzy and grinning at each other like idiots. the way zack used to whine like a puppy when cloud managed to stumble into doing something good despite the overwhelming mountain of his inexperience, the way zack used to breathlessly ask if he could have just a little bit more despite the way every inch of cloud's body was already singing to give him everything. the way they never seemed to manage to find the bottom of wanting each other, even after cloud's knees were jelly and his brains were mush and zack was sprawled bonelessly on the mattress and loudly avowing his plans never to move again.

cloud never had that with tifa, so he never had to navigate learning to be without it. but that's okay. he can -- because if it's for zack, cloud is willing to do almost anything.

... like being kissed right on the mouth when he's mid-sentence about trying to haggle over fuel costs. zack's mouth is warm, and even if the kiss is as light as ever, cloud's selfish enough to let himself linger there before he finally pulls back.

smiling, wry, even though he makes an effort at sounding gruff. ] If you didn't want to hear why the route to Junon's getting more expensive, you could've said.

[exsurgo]

I do! It's important! I just got distracted.

[ It's pretty hard to get a read on Cloud's feelings about the kiss. That's the main thing that's different about him, in Zack's opinion. The things that Zack really cherished about him still shine through - he's kind, he's good, he's got a strong dedication to what he thinks is right. And he's gorgeous, but that was never the main thing. Zack knew he liked Cloud before he ever took that helmet off, after all. But when they were younger, Cloud was pretty easy to read. When he was excited, when something was bothering him, when he wanted something. When he wanted more of something. That'd be a helpful one right now. Cloud still shines brightly to Zack, but it's like everything he's been through has put a little dimmer on all his emotions. It makes sense. Cloud never wanted to be a bother to people, there's no way he would have let all the pain he must have been feeling spill out where everyone could see it. It's just a shame all the other stuff got dimmed too. The way Zack sees it, if anyone deserves to experience joy the way they did when they were sixteen, it's Cloud.

So now he feels a little blind, almost. There's a smile quirking at Cloud's mouth, like he's entertained, but... that's about it. Zack can't figure out if it was good, bad, or just... totally neutral.

Well, there's one way to find out. ]

You could tell me again. I'll listen better. Or I could kiss you again. Could do that better, too.

[disheroic]

[ see, there it is.

zack says that, and it’s almost like the kiss was something solely for cloud’s benefit. which is… zack all over, really, but it makes something in cloud’s stomach twist with guilt. ]

You could. [ carefully neutral, like everything in him doesn’t need zack to kiss him like he’s coming up for air. ] … but you know you don’t have to, right?

What do you want?

[exsurgo]

[ Well, that got him nowhere.

It's no surprise, really. Zack may not be as changed as Cloud is, but he's different to their Shinra days too. How could he not be, after he learned his dream was just fuelling someone else's greed? But he's remained a man who wears his heart on his sleeve in most situations. Now, though, he's matured enough to realize that maybe that's the problem. If Cloud remembers him now, surely it's as someone who was always open about what he wanted and went after it? And here he is, being careful. ]

I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you for so long we're both out of breath, and then I wanna do it again. And then I wanna hear about Junon because what's important to you is important to me, and then I wanna kiss you some more.

[ He smiles, a little sheepish. Doesn't add the if that's okay with you out loud, but it's there. ]

[disheroic]

[ oh.

the words are so sincere that it’s enough to make cloud flinch. it’s eerie, hearing your own thoughts echoed back so clearly to you from someone else’s mouth. and it… aches, because what zack is telling cloud that he wants is what cloud wants too (so badly), but there’s a part of him that’s mired in the idea that this can’t be that easy.

and fuck, he’s never been good at putting any of this into words. so there’s a moment where he stares down intently at the bar top, brow knitted, and then: ]

… for a few months after I woke up, I couldn’t handle looking in the mirror. I kept expecting to see the person I remembered, but there was always someone else there. [ and it had been worse, back then. because he didn’t even remember the face he was expecting to see, couldn’t put his finger on why just catching a glimpse of his reflection would send a silvery bolt of panic worming down into his core. ] It took a long time to get my head around it.

[ and then he reaches out, slowly and carefully, giving zack time to pull away. taking his hand when he doesn’t, one thumb stroking affectionately along the pads of callouses at the base of zack’s fingers. ] You’re the same person I fell in love with. The guy who’s always had all of me, even when I couldn’t —

[ a pause, and then: ] … I don’t want to be unfair to you. I don’t want you to… [ he struggles with it for a moment, the words clotting at the back of his throat. ] … be looking for someone who isn’t there, hoping he can come back.

[exsurgo]

[ It's the easiest thing in the world to curl his hand into Cloud's when he reaches out. That, at least, they've had - ready closeness in the quiet times when they're alone together, anchoring themselves to one another to ride out the storm of pain that refuses to be left behind.

His first instinct is denial. No, he wants to say, it's all going to be okay, because Cloud's still Cloud and Zack's still Zack and they go together, no matter what. But it's not the comprehension that Cloud needs from him, and it's not... true. Cloud's different. He's been through so much. And he's built a life around himself, here - one that didn't need Zack in it. It's not that Zack feels like he's unwelcome in it, not by a long shot, but it's both a little scary and deeply comforting to come back to life and discover that Cloud is surrounded by people who love him. People who believe in him they way he always struggled to believe in himself. Sometimes Zack thinks that's the most important thing he had to offer in their relationship: the unwavering faith that Cloud is good, that he does good, that he's worth everything he thinks he doesn't deserve. He can't be jealous of that; more voices added to his own doesn't drown him out, it makes them a choir all singing the same song.

If he's gonna sing now, he has to do it softly. Something meaningful, not a pop banger. ]

Sometimes I feel like a relic, you know? What I remember is a world where I'd just found out that the dreams I'd been fighting for since I was a kid were all lies. I had you and my sword, and that was about it. Only place I could think to go was to someone else who'd believe Shinra was evil because they'd messed with her too, but just about everyone else would think I was crazy or try and turn me in for a reward. But now it's - it's done. Everyone knows what Shinra was. There are people alive now who were never alive under Shinra's grip. I feel like I'm three years behind on learning it was all a sham. I'm happy! Of course I am! I'm alive, and you're here, and you've finally got all these people around you who know how good you are! But... it's not what you went through, not even close, but I'm still trying to untangle who I am if I'm not SOLDIER.

I always wanted to be a hero. Turns out I was one of the bad guys, and now I'm in a world that doesn't need heroes, just people who can do the hard work to rebuild. Everything's different. I'm different. And you're different too, but... I love you. I love different you just as much as I loved the old you. Maybe more, 'cause even though you're quieter and sadder, it feels like you're closer to knowing that you deserve all the love people have for you.

So... take mine too. Please?

[disheroic]

[ it makes everything in cloud’s chest ache. someone like zack doesn’t deserve to have to struggle with any of this — he’d wanted to be a hero, and sometimes it feels like life had gone and kicked his teeth in for it.

but. ]

I want to. [ it comes out low, raw with the aching of it. especially after that, hearing that zack knows he’s different and still loves him despite all of it. it feels like zack has put a hand in his chest and wrenched something in him open, and there’s just as much relief as there is hurt. ]

But I — You asked me to live for you. To be your legacy. You were never selfish, you never asked me for anything, and I — [ he swallows, hard. ] … I forgot who you were. Everything about you, I tried to steal it, to wear it like it was mine.

I don’t know how you can forgive me for it.

[exsurgo]

Are you kidding? If it got you through, I'm glad.

[ It's not the time to laugh, but there's a suggestion of it there in his voice. ]

I was torn up about that for a while, you know? Laying all of that on you. I kept thinking maybe you wouldn't have been so messed up if I hadn't said what I said. Tifa caught me moping once and beat it out of me the way she does - you know, that thing with the big eyes and the soft voice. Way scarier than when she's kicking ass. But she told me Zack, maybe you shouldn't hold yourself accountable for things you said after massive blood loss, and she's got a point.

Thing is, as messed up as it was, if your memories of me turning into memories of you gave you even a little bit of the strength that got you through all that? I'm glad I said it. I'd do it again. I'm sorry it sucked for you, and I'm sorry you feel so bad about it that you think it's something I'd need to forgive, but if it helped saved you I can't regret it.

[disheroic]

[ it’s hard to even swallow past the lump in his throat. honestly, forgiveness was all cloud had ever thought to hope for, but this… it’s absolution. complete and tender and unconditional understanding, and it burrows down into a place that’s been cold and aching for so long and makes it warm.

cloud can’t help himself. he leans forward and bumps their foreheads together, reaching up to tangle his free hand into zack’s thick, dark hair. (and even that is a marvel, something worthy of a quiet celebration that he gets to have it again.) ]

… I’m starting to think Aerith is right when she says we might both be idiots. [ and his voice is thick, but it’s warm with a smile. ]

[exsurgo]

She usually is.

[ Said as if it's an immense strain to admit, but he's smiling too. He goes easily into the way Cloud pulls him close, squeezing the hand laced with his own, relishing the feel of Cloud's hand in his hair. It's good. Good to be close like this, good to have it all out in the open even though half an hour ago he'd probably almost rather get back in that tank than risk saying any of it out loud. He'd been keeping the bullet in the wound and expecting it to scab over and stop hurting, ignoring that it needed to come out before it could heal right. And they've got a ways to go, sure, but he feels so much lighter. ]

So... you wanna tell me about why the road to Junon is more expensive now, or..?

[disheroic]

Maybe later.

[ it’s like this happiness has settled into his chest, suffusing all of him with a warm and golden glow. it’s why he can’t stop the little smile from tugging at the corner of his mouth, and what inspires him to shift until he can rub their noses together.

a silly, childish show of affection, almost like they’re two dumb teenagers again. ] Didn’t you say there was something else you wanted to do, first?

[exsurgo]

[ That's all the invitation he needs. They're so close already it's nothing to close that little gap, to press his lips to Cloud's. Soft, at first, just a sweet little press, but the want has been building so long that he can't help deepening it almost immediately. Cloud's different, he's different, the world is different - but this is just the same. Kissing Cloud feels right. It's getting home to a house that smells of your mom's cooking, it's jumping into a hot shower after getting caught in freezing rain. It's everything he knew it would be, but better. ]

[disheroic]

[ and for the first time, cloud doesn’t just leave it at that. almost as soon as zack opens his mouth to him, cloud deepens the kiss with a low sound of want, tightening that hand in zack’s hair and leaning closer just so that he can press into him. suddenly, no lack of distance can get them close enough; being two separate people is unbearable. ]

[exsurgo]

[ Oh, that's good. Sometimes when they've been close it's felt like Cloud was doing it for Zack, slipping in to comfort him at night after a nightmare, responding to touch or fleeting kisses because he knew how much Zack needed it. This? Cloud pressing in to it, making a sound that says he wants it just as much as Zack does? It lights him up, floods him with warmth, and Zack moves closer so he can curl his arms around Cloud too, press him tight as he always wants to keep him. Warm, safe, connected. Their tongues slide against each other and he hums low at the feel of it, something that's both familiar and something from so long ago that it almost feels new again.

He'd said he wanted to kiss Cloud until they were breathless with it, but there's a very real chance he's going to just forget how to breathe at all. ]

[disheroic]

[ if cloud had his way, absolutely nothing would stop him from kissing zack exactly like this for as long as he’s able. it feels like he’s been drowning for ages and this is his first breath of air; it goes beyond a want and into a need, something bone deep and powerful.

… but also.

he breaks away, slowly, reluctantly. doesn’t go far, but pulls back enough to be able to say: ] … do you need me to go slow with you?

[ because he will. of course he will, he’d do anything zack needed, always. but it’s important to lay things out on the table now, before the heat of it takes over and makes him so crazy he forgets that there might be a boundary. ]

[exsurgo]

Nuh-uh.

[ That's probably a thought that could do with some elaboration. He should tell Cloud that for all that he's trying to redefine himself in a world unlike the one he knew, the one thing he's certain of is Cloud. That he never feels safer or more sure than when they're together, whether it's easy laughter or just companionable silence. That he's ached for this and more, that acting like he didn't need it felt like lying every day and the truth of this lifts a burden that he hadn't fully understod the weight of until it was gone. That he wants to tangle them up together until they almost can't tell whose body is whose, so connected that they might as well be one.

What he does is lean back in. More, please! ]

[disheroic]

[ the way zack leans back into him like a puppy demanding that scritches be resumed after an interruption is enough to make cloud exhale a little laugh. but it already feels like they’ve wasted too much time for cloud to want to waste anymore — he leans back in and presses their mouths together again, taking his time. kissing zack like he wants to learn his mouth all over again, like he’s savoring it. ]

[exsurgo]

[ Cloud laughs before he kisses him again, and that makes it even sweeter. He tries his best to match Cloud's pace - it's slow, not exactly careful. More like he's trying to soak it up, to enjoy it for what it is. It's a good idea - they've gone without for so long - so Zack tries not to kiss him like he's trying to lose himself in Cloud and act more like it's a journey they're on together.

His hands are not getting with the program. One of them rises to tangle in Cloud's hair, the other roams desperately over him - the broader set of his shoulders, his back, the neat dip of his waist. Be patient, be patient, he tells himself, but when his hand settles on Cloud's hip there's no stopping the determined stray thumb that darts up under Cloud's shirt in search of warm, bare skin. ]

[disheroic]

[ the feeling of zack’s hand on him is good. cloud’s not as scrawny as he used to be, but zack’s hands are still big enough to make him feel small. and even that tease of contact is enough to make cloud ache for more — especially when zack slips his thumb underneath cloud’s shirt, almost like he’s just as desperate for it.

cloud breaks away from the kiss, nosing affectionately along zack’s jaw. ] Might be better if we —

Upstairs?

[exsurgo]

Yeah.

[ Upstairs is music to Zack's ears. It's exactly what he wants, what he needs, and it's Cloud's suggestion, which makes it even better. But upstairs involves relinquishing his grip on Cloud, and his hands don't want to comply. Like a kid failing the marshmallow test, he slips that hand higher until it's all the way under Cloud's shirt and his fingertips tingle at being reunited with Cloud's skin. He hums low in his throat, nuzzles his face against Cloud's. It's so good to feel him like this again that detaching himself feels like the greatest trial he's faced so far. ]

[disheroic]

[ well. clearly zack’s too busy to make the long and arduous journey upstairs, but that’s okay.

if there’s one thing cloud can thank all the mako-enhancements for, it’s this: he stands up and gets one arm under zack, then hefts the bigger man up into his arms like he weighs nothing at all. and really, he could navigate the bar with his eyes closed, so there’s nothing to prevent him from catching zack’s mouth in another kiss as he carts him right upstairs. into his room, because he’s been waiting for what feels like ages to say that zack belongs there.

then? because cloud strife is a paragon of romance? he dumps zack right on the bed like a sack of potatoes, grinning at the sight of him sprawling there. it’s tempting to join him, but —
]

Wait a sec. I’ve been wanting to show you something.

[ then it’s over to the closet. the search for it is quick, because cloud knows right where he keeps the folder, and then he’s back. sitting down on the edge of the bed, flipping through the documents stuffed inside. the deed to the house in costa del sol is in here, and —

aha. tugging out a little stack of paper neatly pinned together at one corner with a paper clip. the first is a deed to some property — a few acres about an hour away from midgar. the rest are all assorted newspaper clippings, and the first reads: RECORD BREAKING GOLD CHOCOBO ENJOYS HER R&R AT FAIRWEATHER FARMS.

it’s that one that he slides over to zack, almost shyly. not making eye contact, stuffing the rest of the papers back where they belong. ] I don’t know if you remember, but —

[exsurgo]

[ Getting scooped up and carried like a blushing bride gets a little ooh! out of Zack that's better fitted to a schoolgirl seeing her crush than a genetically enhanced supersoldier, and he laughs when Cloud just dumps him on the bed -

but when he looks at the article he sucks in a sharp breath and goes quiet. Traces the name in the headline with a tender fingertip, his smile soft and trembling at the edges. ]

Fairweather Farms. This is yours?

[ Cloud might not be making eye contact, but Zack's eyes are glued to his face, searching. It's... amazing. So wonderful, to think that with everything that was going on Cloud still had time to make little dreams like that come true for himself. ]

[disheroic]

Yeah.

[ he is not a sixteen year old kid anymore, but somehow? zack still knows how to make him blush. ] We were pretty strapped for money on the road, so, uh. [ a little sheepish! how do you explain that you stopped in the middle of saving the world for side quests? ] We got into racing chocobos at the Gold Saucer. Ended up being pretty good at it, actually.

And after everything was over, we needed a place to keep the birds… [ he’s got pictures, too! passing them over. a picture of the elderly couple who lives in the little guest cottage and looks after the place, hugging cloud (who looks like he’s two seconds away from bolting) on either side and waving at the camera. a picture of marlene leaning up to put a flower crown on one of the birds while denzel watches from the background. a picture of tifa and aerith sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on the front porch steps, watching the sun go down. a picture of barret very enthusiastically driving a tractor, and then a picture immediately after that of the tractor smoking in a ditch. ] I didn’t remember a lot, but… I remembered that. The way we promised.

The Buster Sword is there, too. [ after everything, he’d taken it away from that cliff. spent a few days and plenty of elbow grease shining her back up to new, then had it mounted up above the mantle with a little plaque underneath. for zack fair, hero. ] We can go see it someday, if you want.

[exsurgo]

Wow.

[ It's a stupid thing to get tearful over! Chocobo racing and photos of flipped tractors! But the other stuff, too. Cloud doing something just to fill a need and turning out to be the best at it. Their girls on the porch, the kids with the chocobos, even that hug from the cute old couple - little moments of beauty and joy, captured and tucked away safe for Cloud to keep. And Cloud remembering their promise, making it real even when Zack wasn't around to keep it for.

Zack tries, and mostly fails, to pull himself together. Huffs a little exhale and smiles. ]

I'd like that a lot.

[disheroic]

Good. Your name’s on the deed, anyway.

[ it’s the last piece of paper he passes over. both of their names, even if cloud had been the only one around to sign. helpful to have a guy like reeve owe you half a dozen favors, after all.

and now he can’t resist the urge to lean in and press a kiss to the little criss-crossed scars on zack’s cheek. ] I’m sorry I didn’t get to take you there sooner.