fourstrings | i like to keep my issues strong

i like to keep my issues strong

[ Apparently he universe doesn't care when someone could really use a break; if it needs saving, it's gonna continue to need saving until somebody does something about it. Right now that somebody is them, so Shiro is extra tense until he can finally chisel out a moment of calm.

He's dimly aware how selfish that is. Being frustrated and edgy until he can get a proper moment to check on Keith seems incredibly greedy, considering what Keith went through to put Shiro so on edge in the first place. But he's learned how to channel unhelpful emotions into helpful action, and he's still in that mindset when he settles his hand between Keith's shoulder blades and steers the pair of them toward a bathroom. Not the showers they all hose off in after a mission, but a real bathroom with a bath the size of a hot tub - the Castle of Lions is a castle, after all, as Allura had said when she slyly tipped Shiro off to its existence. ]

Come on.

[ With anyone else, he might say: we should talk. Or: you need a break. The first would make Keith assume the worst, make him clam up or run, and the second would only bring out a denial and have him run in a different way, throwing himself into something to prove he doesn't need a break, that he's still strong, that he can be good enough.

Keith's always been good enough to Shiro, which is why he says none of those things. He just lets the door open and close for them, wraps his arms around Keith and holds him, grateful for the fact that he's still here and filled with so much pride and concern that the weight of it could bring him to his knees. ]

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I saw.

[ Maybe he shouldn't admit that, given that it means Keith will now know that everyone there saw, but it helps him to explain. ]

Kolivan said the suits reflect the wearers hopes and their greatest fears. So that tells me two things. The first is that you're smart enough to see through something that's pulling your fears right out of your brain and putting them on display.

The second is that I don't have to worry about your fears, because I know it'll never happen. I love you, Keith. No matter what. I'll always want to be in your life, and to have you in mine. I'll never walk away from you like that.

[ oh. well.

... that's something he'll definitely have to process later, but. ]

You don't think I'm selfish?

[ regretfully! he sits up just a little, because it seems important to turn and see shiro's face for this next bit. ] Or... that I'm always just thinking about myself?

Keith, no.

[ The washcloth is forgotten for now, left to float in the warm eddies of the bathwater as Shiro curls his arms around Keith, stroking over his skin. ]

The things we do every day, the dangers we face as the paladins of Voltron - nobody would do that if they were selfish. It's too dangerous for someone who just wanted fame, and too boring while we're traveling for an adrenaline junkie. But more than that, I know you. I know the risks you've taken just to keep me safe.

The world's given you a raw deal, Keith. You'd never give back what you do if you were only thinking of yourself. You might not always know how to say what you're feeling, but I know it's there.

You've got a good heart, Keith.

[ and then, with a little smile, knowing full well how cheesy this is - ]

That's how you stole mine.

[ it means a lot, just hearing all of that. maybe it had been easy to believe that vision of shiro because it was something keith had always been afraid of -- he struggles with communicating himself, how he feels, especially to people who aren't shiro. and sometimes he can't help but worry that it comes off in the worst of ways; sometimes it seems like too much to believe that the other paladins (and shiro most of all) accept him as warmly as they do.

... and yeah, that last bit is cheesy, but it also makes his chest fill up with so much warm and gooey love that it aches.

so he twists and wriggles until he's able to turn around and hug shiro back properly, fitting his arms around the other man's waist and snuggling into him. there's no way in hell that anything keith can say could possibly come close to matching that, so... he decides to keep it simple. ]

... thanks, Shiro. For everything. For seeing me, for believing in me...

[ and he presses a kiss to the corner of shiro's mouth for the next bit, lips turning up into a little smile. ] And for trusting me to hold onto your heart for you.

You don't need to thank me for that.

[ It's a soft thing, warm, and he uses the arms looped around Keith to hold him in place a moment and catch his mouth in a kiss, something slower and seeking.

Shiro has never been great at relationships. There was always too much to see, too much to do for him to give a partner 100% of himself. And now, on top of that - he's an amputee, scarred and with PTSD and the occasional screaming nightmare to boot. It means more to him than he can place a value on that Keith knew him before, when he was a smooth-skinned golden boy whose worst nightmares were of the arrive-naked-to-class variety, and still loves him now. And maybe because of that, it's easy for him to give Keith all of himself. To love him fully and completely, and never have to weigh it against his dreams. It helps that out here their goals are the same, but the bulk of it? It's just Keith. ]

Loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done.

[ keith sighs out as that kiss breaks, a noise that wells up from a place of sweet satisfaction. wondering if shiro could ever possibly see him the same way again after the revelation about his ancestry has been tearing keith up from the inside out ever since the trial; it's a wonderful thing to just be in shiro's arms again, to be told that he's loved and accepted and still wanted. ]

You're the best thing in my life, Shiro.

[ which is... sappy, but he means it with his whole entire heart, so it's a little easier to say. and he lifts a hand to curl the fingers of one hand at the nape of the other man's neck, pressing their foreheads together. ] I just wish...

... I wish I was better at telling you how amazing you are.

[ Shiro hums quietly at the gentle press of Keith's fingers, lets his eyes fall closed at the touch of their foreheads. ]

You do tell me. You look at me like nobody ever has before. You touch me like this, and I know. Even before we got together, when we hugged, you'd - you'd tuck your face into my shoulder, like you felt safe there. It meant so much to me, baby. Even more, now.

You look at me like I could do anything, and you make me believe it.

[ and that's it, isn't it? shiro gets him, and keith doesn't have to say a single word. ]

That's the easy part.

[ he lifts his other hand to stroke shiro's cheek, fingers tracing gently along his skin. ] You're incredible, Shiro. I've never doubted that, not for a second. There's nothing you can't do.

I'm just lucky that I get to be beside you, that I get to watch you save the universe.

Hey now.

[ It's a wonderful thing to hear, if a little embarrassing, and Shiro's cheeks pinken in a way that has nothing to do with the bathwater as he first gentles into the touch of Keith's fingers and then leans forward to press another gentle kiss to Keith's lips. ]

We're saving the universe together. That's even better, wouldn't you say?

Yeah.

[ and he doesn't let shiro pull back, wrapping his arms around the other man's shoulders and bumping their foreheads gently together. the laugh that comes out of him is wry, tinged with a hint of pain that he's trying to mask with this humor. ]

... but you might be the only one who wants to save the universe with me once the others find out about this.

[ Shiro's first impulse is to deny that's the case. His second and less charitable thought is that he'll soundly kick the ass of anyone who even thinks about giving Keith a hard time about it, but - that's not the kind of leader he's trying to be, and Keith would probably hate it. Shiro will just have to have faith; faith that the others see Keith for who he really is and won't be swayed by prejudice.

He strokes fingertips slowly along the length of Keith's spine, considering. ]

I don't think that'll be the case. We've fought together long enough now that they know who you are. They know you're as ready to fight for what's right as any of us - probably more, honestly. I think it's best if you tell them as soon as possible, so it doesn't seem like something you're hiding, but I'll be at your side when you do.

You always have so much faith in people.

[ and it's one of the things keith admires about shiro; even after everything he's been through, he still finds a way to see the good in the universe around them. and he ducks his head enough to press a kiss to one of the scars arching over shiro's shoulder at the thought, wishing he was the kind of person who could put into words just how amazing he thinks shiro is for not letting what happened to him wall him off behind bitterness and anger and fear.

keith wishes he could be more like him, sometimes. especially now. ]

... but after everything the Galra have done to Allura, I wouldn't... [ he pauses, smoothing out the little hitch in his breathing before he continues. ] ... if she wanted me to leave, I'd get it.

[ Keith has a point. It's easy for Shiro, who's know Keith for years, to see him as entirely distinct from the people who had held Shiro captive, made him fight, modified him. But Allura - Allura has lost everything to the Galra. Shiro presses his lips together a moment, his hand still tracing that lazy path along Keith's spine, and he sighs. ]

Allura's a smart woman. Even if she feels that way - and I hope that she doesn't - she'll understand that unless we can form Voltron, we'll be worth much less in the fight. I don't think she'd risk that.

[ keith drops his cheek onto shiro's shoulder, breathing out in a slow sigh. there's a part of him that wants desperately to believe what shiro is telling him, but... there's another part that expects the people in his life, the people he loves, to leave him. and once they find out he's galra, he's practically given them the perfect excuse. ]

You could find another Paladin.

I'm only here because of you, Shiro, it's not like I'm something special.

[ It's difficult to change what people believe. Harder still to change what people believe about themselves, and that's one of the few aspects in which Shiro feels he and Keith are worlds apart. Shiro has always dealt with his doubts about himself by looking at them head on and telling them no, loudly and clearly, until he believed himself. Keith... Keith doesn't quit, Keith is one of the most driven people Shiro's ever known when he sets his mind to a purpose, but Keith also seems painfully ready to take every unkind thought anyone's ever had about him on board and carry them with him, like his very existence is something he has to do penance for. And now that he knows he's part Galra it's easy to see him latching on to that, using that as the justification for his willingness to bear every burden placed upon him. Shiro doesn't know where to start disproving that, so... he defaults to what he's always done for himself. ]

No.

From a practical perspective, we have no idea how long it would take to find someone else who could both pilot the Red lion and mesh with the team well enough to be a part of it. However long it is, that's time we don't have to waste. And as for you not being special -

Keith, I'm here because of you. Don't forget that you're the one who made it possible to get me out of quarantine. You're also the person who did the work that let us find the Blue lion, without the benefit of Altean technology. Without even knowing what Voltron is. That's special. You do more to protect the things that are important to you than anyone else I know, and you've taken all the pain in your life and turned it into drive. And despite all of that, you're still... you. Beautiful and funny and kind, even if you try to keep that part quiet.

That seems pretty damn special to me.

Shiro --

[ it shouldn't be a surprise. shiro has always believed in him, seen the very best in him, way before keith could ever begin to believe that it was there. and deep down, keith knows that shiro is too good to ever let this revelation about keith's galra heritage change that, but...

it's different, hearing shiro spell it out for him so clearly. and the thought that shiro thinks keith is the hero in this story is a little overwhelming. does he believe it? no, not really. but he believes that shiro believes it, and that's more than enough for him. ]

... god, you're so --

[ he can't even find the words for it! so instead he just shakes his head a little, squeezing his arms tightly around shiro and pressing his face a little more firmly against the other man's shoulder. ]

Hopelessly in love? Yeah.

[ And it feels good to hear that tone in Keith's voice that suggests he might not be rejecting Shiro said outright. It feels good to have Keith squeeze him tight. So Shiro lifts a hand to cradle the back of Keith's head, threading fingers into his hair, and smiles. ]

But for what it's worth, I'd think that about you anyway. It's obvious to anyone who gets close enough to see.

I'm just glad you're here to see that stuff. To remind me it exists, I guess.

[ and when he finally lifts his head, it's just to press a kiss to shiro's cheek, nosing up against him. ]

I'm so lucky I have you.

We're both lucky.

[ And he takes advantage of the fact that Keith is craning up to him, brushes a kiss against his lips, something butterfly-soft and gentle. ]

Remember it, alright? No matter what happens. I see you. I love and want all of you.

I promise.

[ he bumps their foreheads together, breathes out and tries to let some of what he's holding onto go right along with it. ]

And if I slip up, I've got you there to remind me. Right?

[ so no more of this dumb "if something happens to me" talk!! ]

Right.

[ There's no hesitation in the way he says it. He's still sick, sure, but Keith knows that, so it's a safe bet that's not what he's asking for. Instead, Shiro lets his hands settle on the narrow dip of Keith's waist, just... holding him, and being thankful for the fact that he has him to hold. ]

Hell, I might not even wait for you to slip up before I remind you how much you mean to me. Sneak attacks. Keep you on your toes.

[ it's a silly thing, but there's something about shiro being able to joke about the whole thing that makes keith feel more grounded. it isn't the end of the world, this revelation about his heritage, and... well, if shiro can get past it, then maybe the others can, too. ]

Guess cunning like that is why you're our fearless leader. [ the little smile that tugs at the corners of his mouth is small, but it's real. ] The Black Lion knows how to pick 'em.

She really does.

[ And it's right there - the temptation to add that when the time comes, he's sure she'll take to Keith just as well - but he's got enough sense to know Keith probably wants to hear that now even less than he usually does. So instead he presses a kiss to that little smile - closed, but warm and lingering. ]

Guess you do too.

You got me.

[ and he's doing his best to make his voice sound dry, but that smile is still there. ]

That's why I decided to steal your car.

Playing the long game, huh? I never stood a chance.

[ He runs careful fingers through Keith's hair, a motion that's almost petting, fond and reverent. ]

I knew you were something special then, but - you've come so far. I'm proud of you, Keith.

i like to keep my issues strong

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