fourstrings | i like to keep my issues strong

i like to keep my issues strong

[ Apparently he universe doesn't care when someone could really use a break; if it needs saving, it's gonna continue to need saving until somebody does something about it. Right now that somebody is them, so Shiro is extra tense until he can finally chisel out a moment of calm.

He's dimly aware how selfish that is. Being frustrated and edgy until he can get a proper moment to check on Keith seems incredibly greedy, considering what Keith went through to put Shiro so on edge in the first place. But he's learned how to channel unhelpful emotions into helpful action, and he's still in that mindset when he settles his hand between Keith's shoulder blades and steers the pair of them toward a bathroom. Not the showers they all hose off in after a mission, but a real bathroom with a bath the size of a hot tub - the Castle of Lions is a castle, after all, as Allura had said when she slyly tipped Shiro off to its existence. ]

Come on.

[ With anyone else, he might say: we should talk. Or: you need a break. The first would make Keith assume the worst, make him clam up or run, and the second would only bring out a denial and have him run in a different way, throwing himself into something to prove he doesn't need a break, that he's still strong, that he can be good enough.

Keith's always been good enough to Shiro, which is why he says none of those things. He just lets the door open and close for them, wraps his arms around Keith and holds him, grateful for the fact that he's still here and filled with so much pride and concern that the weight of it could bring him to his knees. ]

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[ keith isn't a kid anymore -- he knows that the world isn't something black and white, and he knows their fight against the galra isn't something that can be boiled down by saying all galra are evil. their new allies in the blades of mamora are proof enough of that, aren't there? galra are just like humans, just like any other species they've met in the universe; there are good and bad and plenty who fall somewhere in between, and it's wrong to judge them by the actions of one quintessence-addicted, power-hungry warlord.

... but.

keith had spent his whole life never knowing his mom, and that means he'd spent his whole life imagining who she might have been. sometimes he'd hated her for leaving, sometimes he'd ached to know her, but. he'd always liked to imagine that she'd be someone a lot like his dad -- strong, brave, someone who did whatever they could to protect and rescue others. he wanted her to be kind, wanted her to have loved him very much, and he wanted her to have been a hero. thinking like that helped when the other kids would tease him about the fact that she'd left him behind, when he was curled up in the unfamiliar bed of another home late at night and trying not to think about how much he missed his dad.

that his mom was out there, somewhere, under the same stars. that she never would have left him, left his dad, if it wasn't because she had to do something really important. and that maybe she'd be back for him one day, come to take him away from all of this and to a home that he'd never have to leave.

and now it turns out that she was a galra. that he's a galra because of her. a galra, one of the people who've caused so much pain across the universe. a galra, one of the people who hurt shiro so badly, who left a map of scars and suffering written across shiro's body.

it's worse than not knowing. it leaves keith feeling... tainted, somehow, as if this secret in his blood outweighs who he is as a paladin. and worst of all, he's terrified of what the other paladins must think of him -- what shiro must think of him do they still trust him? or do they see in him the enemy they've been fighting all this time?

and so he runs away.

throws himself into assorted tasks around the castle, anything that'll keep him isolated away from shiro and the others. ducks down side corridors when he sees shiro coming down the hall, locks himself in his quarters and pretends he's asleep when shiro knocks. refuses to make eye contact when they're forced into the same room, ducks out quickly before shiro can ask him to stay after any strategy meeting. the breakup is probably inevitable -- who would want to be dating a member of the same race that hurt shiro as horribly as the galra did? but keith wants to run from it as long as he can.

it's just like those make-believe mental images of his mom -- he and shiro still being together is an illusion that he wants to hold onto as long as he can, something soft and good to wrap himself up in when everything else feels so shitty.

but just like every other bit of pretending, it can't last.

shiro corners him pretty expertly after keith is done with a round of combat training against some drones -- puts one arm on the small of keith's back and just says come on as he starts to lead him down the hall, in that Leader Voice that leaves no room for argument. and keith lets himself be led along like a man trudging towards the gallows, head down and eyes grimly focused on his feet. he won't argue when shiro tells him its over, he won't beg for another chance; he gets it, and he won't take advantage of shiro's kindness just to protect his own heart.

so by the time shiro draws him into the room, keith is steeled and ready for what's coming, fists clenched at his sides and back ramrod straight. he's ready to take this on the chin and show shiro that he can still move forward -- as long as shiro will still let him be a red paladin, still stay by his side and protect him, that's enough. it has to be.

... but instead of anything that keith's expecting, shiro just turns to him and draws him into a warm hug, and all of keith's defenses shatter and come crumbling down around him. it's nothing he's prepared for, nothing he knows how to counter -- and that's why, after a few hard swallows to get around the lump in his throat, all he can get out is: ]

Why?

[ It's a strange feeling. He can feel some of the tension come out of Keith in his arms, the muscles in his arms inching away from steel cord the longer Shiro holds him, and that's good! That's what he wanted! But the sounds of his voice, tired and strained, is heartbreaking. Shiro lets one broad hand rub a circle on Keith's back, buries his lips against that mess of dark hair, and shakes his head. ]

I can't answer that for you. You've had a hard life, and it keeps getting harder. If there was someone or something I could hold to account for that I would. I don't think we're going to get that comfort, though. Not many people do. Just -

Just remember what you said up there, Keith. You know who you are. You're still Keith, still our red paladin. None of that changes unless you want it to, and I hope you don't.

[ it's not the question he was asking, and not the answer he was expecting, but.

somehow? it still says everything.

it's like the thought of leaving keith, not wanting to be with him, has never even crossed shiro's mind. that it was nothing he needed to soothe because it was never even in the equation.

and that's...

... it's more than keith deserves, more than he knows how to handle. and that's why he can't even find the words to respond, why all he can do is stand there struggling and choking on his own words until finally he just breaks. and then he's clutching at shiro like he'll be lost to keith forever if he lets go, even though the wound left on his shoulder by the trials still protests sharply at the movement. his breath hitches with something that keith is trying (desperately) not to allow to turn itself into a sob, shoulders jerking with ragged little breaths ]

I thought --

[ a knife in his chest, one that twists each time he tries to suck in a breath. ] I thought you were gonna --

[ Now that Shiro gets, and his grip on Keith tightens reflexively before he remembers his injuries and he tries to shift his hold to something more gentle, more careful.

This war - it's only their war by a trick of fate. If the Blue Lion had ended up anywhere else, if he and the Holts had got by Kerberos undetected, none of this would have happened. Sometimes it seems unfair that the Galra who took him found him, but - they've already taken enough from him. The thought that what they've done might take Keith too - that Shiro might let them - it's almost offensive. ]

Keith. Look at me. Never. Alright? Never. You're still the man I fell in love with. Nothing about that has changed. You're just one step closer to getting answers, if you want them. You're still my Keith.

Now how about you let me take care you you a little bit, huh? You've been kind of hard to pin down, recently.

[ look at me, shiro says, but keith still can't manage it. not when all his efforts not to cry are failing so badly -- he can feel the tears on his cheeks, and there's no missing the broken hitch of his breath.

but hiding his face doesn't mean that he misses a single word, and the reassurance of shiro's love (and acceptance) washes over keith like a benediction. it's almost too perfect to be real; it's the mirror opposite of the shiro from the trials, the one who turned his back on keith and left him alone.

god, what did he ever do to deserve being loved like this? ]

You don't have to. [ which is muffled into shiro's shoulder, mostly because he never wants the other man to let him go. ] Nothing hurts that much.

[ which is to say -- the wound on his shoulder keeps bleeding through its wrappings and he still can't lift his arm higher than a few inches, but he's still in one piece. ]

Then do it to make me feel better.

[ There's a smile in his voice as he says it, something that melts away as he continues. He's missed Keith while Keith was conspicuously busy, but waiting and watching while Keith was going through the trial - it took something out of Shiro. He knows that it was Keith's burden to bear, that if he'd had his way and called it to a finish when he first wanted to (the moment Keith was armed with a knife in a sword fight, if he's honest) Keith wouldn't have information he's wanted for a long time and they wouldn't have an alliance with the Blades, but...

it still ached. Every blow someone landed on Keith, every grimace on his face. And the things that hologram said to him, worst of all. ]

It was rough, standing by. Not being able to help you. Let me kid myself that this is enough to make up for it.

[ and that does get keith to look up, even though he's still a mess of tears and rumpled hair. the idea of shiro blaming himself for any of this is something keith can't allow -- it was his idea, his fight, and his burden to bear. ]

Hey. [ brows knitting, voice firm. ] You don't have anything to make up for, Shiro.

I know you think the whole world belongs there, but don't put this one on your shoulders, okay?

Okay. Okay. No more of the Atlas act, I get it.

[ And hey, since Keith is looking up now, Shiro takes the opportunity to duck his face down and steal a kiss. He wants more - slower ones, ones that let Keith know just how much he means to Shiro, that he's still everything - but for now, this'll do. ]

Of course, the easiest way to get me to stop would be to let me have my way. There's a nice hot bath here with your name on it?

[ the kiss is a quick one, but it's still nice. reassuringly normal, even after everything that happens, and it makes just a little bit more of the tension in keith's shoulders unwind. it's the first time since the trial that keith has even allowed himself to hope that things really might be okay, and that's...

... something, at least.

but the remark makes keith finally take stock of the room they're in, and his eyes widen as he realizes what he's looking at. the bath is bigger than any bath he's ever seen -- it's big enough to pass as a pool, minus the fact that the surface of the water is gently steaming. ]

This -- [ a startled blink, trying to wrap his brain around what he's seeing. ] ... has this been here the whole time?

[ It's such a normal, Keith reaction that Shiro can't help chuckling. That's his cue to start leading Keith over, or at least he's taking it that way. The first time he'd dared to use this room he'd gone hell-for-leather with the bath products, ended up chin-deep in thick, creamy, lilac-hued bubbles that smelled of daphne and gardenia. He figured Keith might want just a little more dignity, so he's been very restrained - added some bath salts that make the water deliciously slippery-soft with the faintest scent of cedar and rosemary (it's outdoorsy! That's... masculine and Keith-like, right?) and called it a day. Next to the tub, there's densely fluffy towels and washcloths, a little canister of healing gel, and now... Shiro's shirt, because he skins it off and drops it to the floor with a smile. ]

Allura told me. Leader's privilege, she says. Nobody else can know. Pidge might be okay, but she also might tell Hunk, and Hunk could never keep this from Lance. And if Lance found this place we'd never get him out.

You need help with your shoulder?

[ There's a faint hopeful tone to it. C'mon, Keith, let him undress you. ]

[ he can barely even process what shiro is saying, so shell-shocked by awe that he's speechless. this room alone is bigger than the shack in the desert where he used to live; sometimes it's really hard to wrap his mind around the fact that their new home is an actual castle, and this... is definitely one of those times.

and his first instinct is to tell shiro no, i've got it, but... keith also knows shiro well enough to catch onto that little hopeful lilt at the end of the question, to sense the way the other man is itching to do something to make it better. being taken care of is still a new thing for keith, but... it makes shiro happy, and letting him do it isn't exactly a hardship. ]

Just, uh... [ a little sheepishly, because he knows shiro probably isn't going to like the way keith has been neglecting the injury. ] ... I've been having to take the shirts off one arm at a time. It's kinda hard to do it on my own, actually.

[ permission granted. ]

[ Shiro clucks his tongue softly at that - just like Keith, to push through on his own instead of asking for help. Still, Shiro peels Keith's shirt off one arm at a time anyway, guiding his good arm and head through their respective holes before he delicately slides the remaining sleeve down and away. It's careful but sure, fluid, until he takes a proper look at the injury and feels a muscle jump in his jaw. It's not infected - thank god - but it doesn't look like Keith's done anything for it but keep it clean.

Still, that's what the healing gel is for. So he drops Keith's shirt and reaches for the little canister, giving it a shake that is completely unnecessary for the use of the gel but as inevitable as clacking a pair of kitchen tongs on picking them up. ]

I'm gonna save time by pretending we already had the conversation where I ask you to take a cryo nap in one of the healing pods and you give me a hundred reasons you can't, and then I lose even though I could pick you up and stuff you in there if I really wanted to. This stuff's handy. I don't think it'll heal something this bad completely, but it'll help knit it up faster, at least.

[ And it doesn't sting even a little. Tickles, slightly, but that's about it. Shiro definitely doesn't know this from experience after slicing deep into the thick meat of his hand below his thumb while trying to fix himself a midnight snack one night, if anyone's asking.

He also doesn't wait for Keith to say yes - just pumps a thick line of the goo out and over the injury, smooths it out with careful fingertips, and lets it do its thing. The wound looks better almost instantly. Not perfect - it'll likely still scar - but good enough that Shiro's not worried about it hurting in the hot bathwater.

Then, very sincerely: ]

Sooooo... do you need help with your pants?

[ shiro's being careful with him, but it still makes keith hiss when shiro pulls off his shirt and then the dressing underneath. a healing pod would've been a better way to handle it, sure, but. the idea of being trapped alone in one with nothing left to do but think? it had rattled keith, and he hadn't actually been able to force himself long enough to climb inside a pod and let it work.

so he's grateful when shiro skips the argument entirely, breathing out a little sigh of relief and tipping his head to one side obediently when the other man picks up the canister of goo. and it's a surprise when the stuff that shiro smoothes over him doesn't even hurt -- if anything, the pain lessens almost immediately, enough for keith to be able to roll his shoulder tentatively without an answering stab of protest. it's... actually a little incredible, and he can't resist the urge to reach up and prod at it gently with his other hand to admire the fact that it's already closed and scarred over.

... more proof that he's a dumbass for not letting shiro help him in the first place.

but that next bit has him quirking an eyebrow, one corner of his mouth threatening to tug up into a little smile. ] ... right, because I totally forgot about the terrible injury that won't let me take my pants off on my own.

[ Okay, maybe that was a little too sincere. Unfortunately, Shiro is undeterred, and even more unfortunately he massively overcorrects and dials the flirting up to eleven, letting his hands settle over Keith's hips and his fingers trail around the waistband.

He tries hard not to let himself think about Keith's waist just above it, how small it is, how Shiro can nearly close his hands around it. He's here to look after Keith, not throw him on the floor and beg for it.

Still. ]

That bad, huh? It's worse than I thought. This is urgent.

[ And he tugs Keith closer by his waistband, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth as he thumbs open the button of Keith's jeans. ]

[ honestly, there's probably something a little magical about shiro when he's able to get a laugh after keith after everything he's been through. but keith can't help it -- he snorts a little laugh as shiro crowds in against him and pops the button on his jeans, glad that he can lift his arms because it lets him slide them around shiro's broad shoulders. ]

Good thing Shiro the hero is here. [ leaning up on the balls of his feet, nosing affectionately against shiro's cheek. ] I've got the most qualified guy on the job.

Oh, skill's only half the equation. You have to really want it.

[ Keith's laughter is a balm, soothing the knot of worry that sits in Shiro's chest. It's good to have him close, good to feel his arms around him this way, better yet to see him happy. He leans in for another very brief, chaste kiss before he tugs Keith's zipper open and drops to peel down those tight jeans and guide Keith's feet out of his boots. ]

Luckily, I'm the best at that part, too. Nobody else even comes close.

[ keith is comfortable enough with shiro that there's no real embarrassment about having shiro carefully peel him out of his jeans -- it's not even the first time one of them has helped the other out of clothing after a hard battle and a set of fresh injuries, and there's something warmly reassuring about the ritual that keith craves. he doesn't even know if shiro is putting this much weight on it, but... it's nice to have him here, proving that he still has keith's back with every warm touch, and keith is so stupidly grateful for the kindness that he thinks there might be a real danger of crying again.

so he distracts himself by looking out over the steaming bath water, blinking back the stinging at the corner of his eyes and making light of the whole thing. ] Best at wanting me? Or just wanting to take people's pants off?

Figure we better make that part clear.

Oh, I'll make it clear.

[ It feels good, to be like this. Close and warm and joking, after everything. The suit can latch on to hopes and fears, that's what Kolivan had said, and that hologram - it had walked away from Keith, like it was easy. Like he was nothing.

Shiro sits back on his heels for a moment and just... looks up. At Keith. Beautiful, brave, strong, but also skittish and easily wounded, when it comes to his heart. It hurts, to know he fears that - but it's also a comfort to know that the thing Keith fears most from Shiro is something Shiro will never do. He leans in to press a soft kiss to one pale thigh, then stands and pats Keith on the butt. ]

Go on, get in.

[ for a minute, keith thinks about protesting long enough to insist on taking shiro's clothes off, but... honestly? the hot water is tempting, and he's okay with being spoiled (just a little bit longer). so he leans in for one last (lingering) kiss before he moves to obey.

and sliding into the hot water is enough to draw a little moan out of him, feeling almost like he's been transported straight to heaven. every ache in his body slowly unwinds in response to the heat -- he goes boneless almost immediately and lets himself sink all the way down into the water, submerging himself like a lazy alligator.

oh, wait, hang on, he needs his mouth to express this next bit: ]

Have I told you I love you? 'cause I love you, Shiro. I really love you, even though you're just telling me about this now.

[ Okay, initially Shiro's plan had been to sit at the side of the bath and gently rub Keith over with a washcloth, but Keith immediately sinks low enough into the water that it's not really a viable option anymore. Which is just fine, because when Keith moans that way Shiro suddenly wants nothing more than to be in there with him. He makes indecently short work of stripping out of his own remaining clothes, but he's still got the presence of mind to grab one of those washcloths before he slips into the huge tub alongside Keith. ]

That good, huh? I'm surprised Allura didn't keep this secret to herself. I wouldn't have wanted to share this.

[ And then he inches closer and, in a moment of boldness - Keith just said he loves him, after all - pulls Keith close to lean his back against Shiro's chest and starts gently moving the cloth over Keith's limbs under the water. ]

Except with the most charming and handsome man I know, of course.

[ the only thing that could possibly make this bath better? being settled with his back to shiro's chest, able to lean against him and relax a little more into the water without any risk of sliding all the way under and drowning.

headlines all across the universe: voltron paladin drowns due to ultra-awesome-bath-relaxation.

and he can't manage to come up with something appropriately charming in response; it's a miracle that he manages more than a happy little grunt. ]

... not lance.

[ fortunately, ragging on lance doesn't take too many braincells. ]

[ Shiro snorts elegantly, and keeps the cloth gliding over Keith's skin. ]

Definitely not Lance.

[ It's a few moments more before he speaks again, just enjoying the quiet; the feeling of Keith relaxed and easy against him, the soft curls of steam in the air, the sounds of their breathing and the gentle movement of the water. The quiet is good, and he knows how easily Keith embarrasses, but -there are things that he feels need saying. ]

I'm proud of you. I was terrified for you, but you fought with more fire and determination than anyone I've ever seen. You never gave up. Even at the end, you didn't quit. You ended it on your own terms.

Don't get me wrong, I never want to see you in a situation like that again, but - you were amazing, Keith.

[ truth be told, he's almost dozing when shiro speaks again. not really because he's tired, but because the combination of the bath and shiro have him feeling so safe and warm and utterly comfortable that all his defenses are as low as they can be.

but the low rumble of shiro's voice draws him gently back into awareness, and...

oh. ]

... I had... this weird dream? Or something. During the trial. [ just thinking about it makes his heart want to break all over again, but. ] You were there, and... you told me to quit, to just give up the knife.

And when I didn't, you...

[ he pauses for a long moment, swallowing back the lump in his throat. ] ... I knew it was just a stupid dream, but... I was still scared, I guess. That it was the way you really felt.

I saw.

[ Maybe he shouldn't admit that, given that it means Keith will now know that everyone there saw, but it helps him to explain. ]

Kolivan said the suits reflect the wearers hopes and their greatest fears. So that tells me two things. The first is that you're smart enough to see through something that's pulling your fears right out of your brain and putting them on display.

The second is that I don't have to worry about your fears, because I know it'll never happen. I love you, Keith. No matter what. I'll always want to be in your life, and to have you in mine. I'll never walk away from you like that.

[ oh. well.

... that's something he'll definitely have to process later, but. ]

You don't think I'm selfish?

[ regretfully! he sits up just a little, because it seems important to turn and see shiro's face for this next bit. ] Or... that I'm always just thinking about myself?

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honestly a sex face seemed appropriate?

we've all had baths like that

Re: we've all had baths like that

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