i like to keep my issues strong

[bde]

[ Apparently he universe doesn't care when someone could really use a break; if it needs saving, it's gonna continue to need saving until somebody does something about it. Right now that somebody is them, so Shiro is extra tense until he can finally chisel out a moment of calm.

He's dimly aware how selfish that is. Being frustrated and edgy until he can get a proper moment to check on Keith seems incredibly greedy, considering what Keith went through to put Shiro so on edge in the first place. But he's learned how to channel unhelpful emotions into helpful action, and he's still in that mindset when he settles his hand between Keith's shoulder blades and steers the pair of them toward a bathroom. Not the showers they all hose off in after a mission, but a real bathroom with a bath the size of a hot tub - the Castle of Lions is a castle, after all, as Allura had said when she slyly tipped Shiro off to its existence. ]

Come on.

[ With anyone else, he might say: we should talk. Or: you need a break. The first would make Keith assume the worst, make him clam up or run, and the second would only bring out a denial and have him run in a different way, throwing himself into something to prove he doesn't need a break, that he's still strong, that he can be good enough.

Keith's always been good enough to Shiro, which is why he says none of those things. He just lets the door open and close for them, wraps his arms around Keith and holds him, grateful for the fact that he's still here and filled with so much pride and concern that the weight of it could bring him to his knees. ]

Comments

[feralistic]

[ keith isn't a kid anymore -- he knows that the world isn't something black and white, and he knows their fight against the galra isn't something that can be boiled down by saying all galra are evil. their new allies in the blades of mamora are proof enough of that, aren't there? galra are just like humans, just like any other species they've met in the universe; there are good and bad and plenty who fall somewhere in between, and it's wrong to judge them by the actions of one quintessence-addicted, power-hungry warlord.

... but.

keith had spent his whole life never knowing his mom, and that means he'd spent his whole life imagining who she might have been. sometimes he'd hated her for leaving, sometimes he'd ached to know her, but. he'd always liked to imagine that she'd be someone a lot like his dad -- strong, brave, someone who did whatever they could to protect and rescue others. he wanted her to be kind, wanted her to have loved him very much, and he wanted her to have been a hero. thinking like that helped when the other kids would tease him about the fact that she'd left him behind, when he was curled up in the unfamiliar bed of another home late at night and trying not to think about how much he missed his dad.

that his mom was out there, somewhere, under the same stars. that she never would have left him, left his dad, if it wasn't because she had to do something really important. and that maybe she'd be back for him one day, come to take him away from all of this and to a home that he'd never have to leave.

and now it turns out that she was a galra. that he's a galra because of her. a galra, one of the people who've caused so much pain across the universe. a galra, one of the people who hurt shiro so badly, who left a map of scars and suffering written across shiro's body.

it's worse than not knowing. it leaves keith feeling... tainted, somehow, as if this secret in his blood outweighs who he is as a paladin. and worst of all, he's terrified of what the other paladins must think of him -- what shiro must think of him do they still trust him? or do they see in him the enemy they've been fighting all this time?

and so he runs away.

throws himself into assorted tasks around the castle, anything that'll keep him isolated away from shiro and the others. ducks down side corridors when he sees shiro coming down the hall, locks himself in his quarters and pretends he's asleep when shiro knocks. refuses to make eye contact when they're forced into the same room, ducks out quickly before shiro can ask him to stay after any strategy meeting. the breakup is probably inevitable -- who would want to be dating a member of the same race that hurt shiro as horribly as the galra did? but keith wants to run from it as long as he can.

it's just like those make-believe mental images of his mom -- he and shiro still being together is an illusion that he wants to hold onto as long as he can, something soft and good to wrap himself up in when everything else feels so shitty.

but just like every other bit of pretending, it can't last.

shiro corners him pretty expertly after keith is done with a round of combat training against some drones -- puts one arm on the small of keith's back and just says come on as he starts to lead him down the hall, in that Leader Voice that leaves no room for argument. and keith lets himself be led along like a man trudging towards the gallows, head down and eyes grimly focused on his feet. he won't argue when shiro tells him its over, he won't beg for another chance; he gets it, and he won't take advantage of shiro's kindness just to protect his own heart.

so by the time shiro draws him into the room, keith is steeled and ready for what's coming, fists clenched at his sides and back ramrod straight. he's ready to take this on the chin and show shiro that he can still move forward -- as long as shiro will still let him be a red paladin, still stay by his side and protect him, that's enough. it has to be.

... but instead of anything that keith's expecting, shiro just turns to him and draws him into a warm hug, and all of keith's defenses shatter and come crumbling down around him. it's nothing he's prepared for, nothing he knows how to counter -- and that's why, after a few hard swallows to get around the lump in his throat, all he can get out is: ]

Why?