Have I got the strength to ask

[blindsider]

[He's not been sleeping well.

It's a curious contradiction. The painkillers they've given him list drowsiness as a side effect and the doctors seemed certain enough of their ability to knock him out that they've insisted he set alarms to wake him so he can take more medication, telling him he won't feel like it but if he misses a dose he'll wake in agony. And they do make him feel sleepy, wrapping everything in a cotton-wool fog, but it's when he lays alone at night that the quiet sharpens enough to let him turn events over in a way that denies him sleep.

So much lost. Altissia is in a state of ruin, and the Lady Lunafreya -- he'd only met her once. He'd been allowed a visit when Noctis was healing in Tenebrae, the conviction that he oughtn't miss any of the schooling that would one day be so important something of a moot point when his concern about the prince had seen his classwork plummet anyway. Luna was only a few years older than he, but taller and graceful and so warm that only moments in her presence had entirely snuffed the childish jealousy he felt over Noctis' prattling about how cool and pretty and nice she was. He'd been a little starstruck as a child, and truth be told - all complicating factors aside - he'd looked forward to seeing her again as an adult, a woman full of courage and wisdom.

But Lunafreya is dead, and Ignis sees nothing at all.

It wouldn't be so bad if Noctis were present. He's been such a presence through Ignis' life that just having him around feels grounding, like a tether to home and to reality. Even if he's sulking, or fishing while the rest of them grow bored to tears, or simply sleeping. Prompto tries, bless him; he's a near-constant presence, chatting away and fetching coffee and reading the news to him, but he can tell that even Prompto knows he's not what Ignis craves. But the last time Ignis was in Noctis' presence was when he finally woke, and since then Noctis has sequestered himself and really, Ignis can't begrudge him that. Noctis has lost more than any of them, and Ignis is in no fit state to comfort him. At best Noctis would pity him; at worst, he'd see how adrift Ignis feels, realise the truth of it. He hates the constant battle against slipping into indulgent self-pity, but he at least has the pride not to invite Noctis to sink with him. Perhaps tomorrow he'll source some sweets and send Prompto to deliver them. From what Gladio's told him (and Prompto won't) Noctis is just as likely to refuse that, but at least he'll know they're thinking of him.

The medication has tamed his injury, left it something that stalks and growls instead of roaring, but it does nothing for his unease. He sighs, rolls onto his side, and resigns himself to another lengthy night of missing his vision, and his freedom, and his prince. ]

Comments

[blindsider]

[ It's almost pure instinct, the way he folds into the hug. An arm around Noct's back, holding him close, and a hand at the back of his head to stroke his hair as he's tucked into his shoulder. Despite the terrible things that have occurred, this has always felt right. The closeness, the sense of being interconnected that's been with them from childhood. It would be appropriate to murmur to him, to whisper a shh, shh, but he has every right to cry. ]

Leviathan would have destroyed Altissia and every soul in it without your intervention. I'd rather be blind than dead.

[ It's not supposed to be flippant. He wouldn't trade his sight for all the additional lives that would have been lost, either. It's something that had become a sick sort of game as he lay awake - weighing what he'd be willing to sacrifice in exchange for being whole. Nothing so far has seemed acceptable. ]

Your actions saved people. Myself included. Don't hold yourself to an impossible standard.

[ The world is doing that for him. ]

[linkstrike]

[ it's the first time since luna's death that the world has seemed even a little bit okay. because ignis is still here, and ignis still wants to hold him, and that's something. and it's why noctis can't help but to latch onto him as if for dear life; he came so close to losing ignis, and now he's left struggling with the reality of his own inability to protect the people he loves.

all his strength, all of it, still hadn't been enough. ]

If I'd been stronger --

[ but there's no point in if, is there? it won't change anything now. and his next exhale is a sharp thing, heavy with all of that frustration, a quick and ragged breath against ignis' bare skin. ] ... I wish it had been me.

[blindsider]

Noctis.

[ It's sharp, shocked. Enough to have his arm tightening almost crushingly around Noct's shoulders, his fingers digging into his hair in fright. It's only a moment, and one he regrets instantly. He's quiet as his grip relaxes, fingers stroking to soothe where his fingertips had dug in, his breath slow. ]

Don't.

[ It's natural, he supposes. Had their positions been reversed, he'd have given his sight to preserve Noct's without a second thought. Still, even the thought of it fills him with a kind of curdled horror. He focuses to stop himself from chasing it. Concentrates on the plume of Noct's breath against his skin, the familiar scent of his hair. ]

Come here.

[ Pulling away as he says it, shifting back along the bed. He has not seen this vulnerability in Noctis since they were very small. Back then, everything had seemed far more fixable, and they would bundle themselves under the covers, curling close and speaking in whispers until they fell asleep and woke to a morning that seemed brighter. They're no longer children, and the morning will relieve none of their burdens, but it's the best he can think to offer. ]

[linkstrike]

[ he only huffs a noise in response, because it'd be easy enough to argue the point if he wasn't so damn worn out. he's tired of everyone else around him being expendable for his sake -- he isn't special enough to warrant it, prophesies be damned, and the idea of people throwing their futures away for him sits on his shoulders with a crushing sort of weight.

but ignis tells him to come here, and noctis obeys -- partly because he's too tired to argue, and partly because he already misses the security of ignis' arms around him. his limbs feel like lead, his eyes are gritty from crying, and there's a dull ringing in his head that warns of a monstrous headache on the horizon. even putting one foot in front of the other on this path that they're on seems like an impossible task; all he wants is to curl up under the blankets and let ignis hold him and tell him that everything will turn out okay.

so he tucks himself under the blankets, slow and stilted as if even the slightest of movements is enough to cause him pain. and then he squeezes his eyes shut and turns his face into the pillow, as if that'll be enough to cancel everything else out. ]

[blindsider]

[ It's not as if Ignis had wanted Noctis to refuse, but it's still a little alarming to feel him comply wordlessly. Like he has as much freedom in this as he does in his fate. The flip side of that, of course, is that it's comforting. He's always been the one telling Noctis to attend this meeting and send apologies for that one, to ensure he greets certain people at functions, to at least eat an extra serving of fruit if he's going to push his vegetables to the side of the plate. This lets him capture a little of that back, to feel as if he still serves a purpose; Noctis is fraught and cannot sleep, and Ignis can help him.

The weight of Noctis on the bed makes his position easy to determine, but Ignis is still careful as he smooths the covers over Noctis. He sets his dark glasses on the bedside table and then, slowly and cautiously, he slips downward to curl against Noct's back, to wrap an arm around to hold him. ]

I don't say it because you're the king, you know. You are my oldest and dearest friend. I think most people want to see the ones they love happy and safe. Being pleased you're not blind on top of it all is a raw deal by comparison, but I'll take it.

[linkstrike]

[ there's something reassuring about being tucked in like this, almost as if he's a child again. and it's even better when ignis slips underneath the blankets next to him, and noctis is able to roll over and throw an arm over him in turn. it allows him to nestle up that much closer, until he can feel the steady drum of ignis' heartbeat echoing into him, feel the soft rumble of his voice spilling up from his chest. ]

... I know. [ and he tucks his head up under ignis' chin, drawing in a slow breath. ] But that's why I want to keep you safe, too.

And... all of this stuff is supposed to be my burden. [ however much he resents the fact. ] It's not fair to make you pay for it.

[blindsider]

[ The way Noctis turns and fits against him is a comfort, a warm and precious thing after so much has happened to make them feel distant. In this, at least, they're in the same boat. Each wanting to protect the other, and each knowing that in the grand scheme of things it's impossible. ]

It's not. But none of this is fair. I -

[ It's difficult. It feels childish to complain about the unfairness of it, but Noctis is so young it scarcely feels like he's been allowed time to have a life of his own before being required to devote it to the security of his people. At least Ignis had the luxury of being able to choose to stay with Noctis, and he's increasingly aware that his injury may rob him of even that. ]

I don't consider it paying. I realise that's splitting hairs, but it's easier for me to accept if I consider it something that happened while I was doing what I believed in rather than a price that was extracted from me.

[linkstrike]

[ he takes a long moment to roll that idea over in his mind, examining it from all angles. it... makes sense, and noctis can understand it. it's something he's tried convincing himself of -- that he's doing this because he wants to, not because it's a role that destiny requires of him. it's just that he's never had much success in making himself believe that it's true, but...

... then again, it's not that surprising that ignis is able to accept the idea with this much maturity and ease. he's always been better at the duty stuff. ]

... I don't deserve to have someone that's as good as you. [ and he butts his forehead gently into ignis' collarbone, swallowing hard. ] ... but I'm glad you're here, Specs. I couldn't do this without you.

[blindsider]

[ and Ignis swats him.

Gently, of course, little more than a tap on the shoulder, but honestly. ]

Noctis Lucis Caelum, you deserve the stars. Not wanting to carry this burden doesn't make you any less brave or good for doing it. If anything, it makes you more so. But I'm glad to be with you.

[ A moment of quiet, then. "I couldn't do this without you" is the sort of rote response people give to someone who's been at their side through tragedy, but Noctis has never been the sort to give meaningless responses. It feels almost like being intentionally hurtful to raise it when Noctis seems to have settled into a sort of calm quiet, but it'll need to be addressed sooner or later. ]

You understand that my capabilities are limited, now. The doctors tell me there's some hope my vision will return, but until then I'm more likely to be a burden on you than an asset.

[linkstrike]

[ okay, well, out of all the potential replies noctis was expecting, a swat wasn't high up on his list. so it gets a little snort of surprise out of him, rearing back a little to see if ignis looks like he's planning on following that up with a proper smack.

... and then he probably would have laughed, except for the fact that what follows is enough to make him fluster. and maybe it's a good thing that ignis can't see the way the heat catches in his cheeks, nor the way he ducks his chin down shyly into his chest in response to that assertion. of course, the last bit is enough to somber those little giddy embers of his crush, so. ]

... if you wanted to stay behind, I wouldn't blame you. [ quietly, doing his best to keep his voice level. trying to keep any hint of how much the idea of losing ignis terrifies him out of his voice. ] Cid could probably get you back to Hammerhead, or... you could stay here, I guess. I remember you saying how much you liked Altissia.

[ not that there's much of the altissia ignis once loved left, but still. ]

... but it's your choice, Ignis. You'll never be a burden to me, no matter what happens.

[blindsider]

[ Ignis' left eye is damaged beyond the ability to produce tears. Laying on his side means the gentle welling in his right pools for a moment, collecting at the bridge of his nose before it becomes necessary for him to lift his arm from where it's curled around Noctis so he can swipe it away. It's embarrassing, deeply so, but better than dampening the pillow they're tucked against. Or at least he's tucked against it; Noctis is mostly tucked against him, in a prime position to hear the shuddering sigh of relief that escapes him before he can catch it.

His choice. It's more than he'd hoped for. Since Leviathan's raising went so terribly wrong it's seemed there have been very few choices available to him. Doctors prescribing this or forbidding that, Gladio's refusal to let him even attempt to venture outside by himself, even Prompto's eagerness to anticipate his needs and make sure things are arranged before Ignis can even decide he needs them. It's all born from kindness, he knows, from a desire to make sure he has nothing to worry about but healing, but none of the good intentions stop it from feeling stifling. Feeling like pity.

And here is Noctis, giving him a choice in a matter that Noctis should probably dictate. ]

Then I choose you. I belong with you.

[linkstrike]

[ it probably isn't the right call for a million reasons.

ignis will have a hard enough time adapting to his ailment without having to do it on an active battlefield -- allowing him to come along is putting him directly into harm's way, stripped of the ability to defend himself effectively. and someone as brutally pragmatic as gladio will probably have no problem pointing out that attempting to protect ignis will put the rest of them in danger, and their mission is too damn important to take any added risks. and besides all of that, ignis deserves the chance to rest, and he damn well won't ever volunteer himself for a chance to recuperate on the sidelines. it should be up to noctis to force his hand, to demand that he lets himself recover in safety.

... but he's selfish, and he wasn't lying when he said he couldn't imagine doing this without ignis at his side.

so he just snuggles himself up a little closer against ignis' warmth, notching up against him like a matching piece of a puzzle. ] Then you can stay with me as long as you want. And anyone who wants to argue is gonna have to go through me.

[blindsider]

[ Given how often he's called upon to be the voice of reason (or diplomacy), it's either ironic or a bad sign that he has no words now. Now, when it feels more important than ever to tell Noctis just how grateful he is, how much that allowance means to him. Noctis is not stupid, and Ignis is aware it can't have escaped him that this isn't the right choice, but knowing that just makes it feel more significant, more of a gift. And all of his gratitude and relief and love knot up in his throat to silence him so that for just a moment he's as mute as he is blind. And then Noctis presses in close, fitting snugly and easily against him, and the reassurance that they belong at one another's side unlocks something in him that makes everything seem alright, however fleetingly.

He dips his head, nosing against the silky mess of Noct's hair, lips pressing against his forehead, and takes relief in just being permitted to hold him. ]

Thank you, Noct. That means - everything.

[ Voice still thick with emotion, his eye still damp, and faced with the immensity of the gift Noctis has given him he can't even find it in himself to be ashamed. ]

[linkstrike]

[ the way that ignis noses down against him and presses a kiss against his forehead is enough to make noctis' heart do a little skip in his chest, and that thank you is so openly sincere that he has to struggle to keep from squirming in embarrassment. ]

I should be the one thanking you. You're the one who's sticking around.

[blindsider]

[ He laughs at that, just a quiet little huff. It's too much, maybe, but wrapped in the little cocoon they've made of the blankets and each other he feels as if he could say almost anything. ]

I don't know what I'd do with myself if I wasn't with you. I'd thought about it when I was in university, when there were research grants and opportunities. It never took me long to realise I wouldn't have been happy. I'd always have been wondering about you, how you were doing. Missing you. After everything we've been through since we left Insomnia, I can only imagine how much worse that would feel. I'd be a wreck. Not because you're the king, or because this is what I trained for. Just because of how much I care for you.

[linkstrike]

[ the weight of that statement is enough to leave him a little dizzy. ... but not in a bad way -- it means a lot to him that ignis cares about him enough to want to stay, and not just out of some sense of duty to his king or his country. just because he's noctis.

... at a time when everything is so uncertain, it means a lot to him (more than he can even begin to say), to know that this one thing is still secure. that even something like this isn't enough to make ignis lose faith in him, to make him want to leave.

if he were more eloquent, he'd put his thanks into words. ... but he isn't, so. instead he just bumps his forehead gently against ignis' collarbone, a silent gesture of affection. ] ... back when you were in university, I was pretty sure you were going to quit.

[ and then, with a little exhale of a laugh: ] I figured that getting to spend all day around a bunch of books and nerds was way more your thing.

[blindsider]

[ Noctis bumps his head against him like an affectionate cat, and it's enough to wave away the maudlin thoughts, or the threat of more tears of gratitude at finding there's still a place for him. He laughs instead, low and quiet,and shift his hand to thread fingers into Noct's hair and stroke there. ]

What, and give up the opportunity to always be the smartest person in the room? It's like you don't even know me.

[ A glib answer to a somewhat touchy recollection. The truth of it is that even at their worst, when things had been so cold between them that he'd been sure Noctis didn't want him around, the thought of Noctis not being in his life any longer had been more than enough to prevent any offers from seeming very appealing at all. No matter what he's felt for Noctis through all the years - kinship, frustration, awkward attraction - it's always been rooted in love. The kind that lasts a lifetime, regardless of proximity or difficult times. ]

Nothing would have been worth losing you.

[ Not a comfortable life of academia, not accolades for research, not his sight. ]

[linkstrike]

[ he snorts at that, even though it melts away into a pleased sound as ignis starts to comb his fingers gently through noctis' hair. it's always been one of the fastest ways to lull him to sleep -- even when his nightmares are at their worst, ignis has never failed in soothing him back down to sleep with a little bit of petting. and it's probably no surprise that it's working now; his body is still trying to recover from his battle with leviathan, and being cuddled up in the blankets with ignis already has him warm and relaxed. ]

Like you still wouldn't be the smartest guy around. No one in that dumb university had anything on you, Specs.

[ but he hesitates over the next bit for a moment, before: ] ... and even if you decide you want to do something else one day, it doesn't mean you'll lose me. I mean... you're one of the most important people in my life. That's never gonna change, no matter what happens.