Have I got the strength to ask

[blindsider]

[He's not been sleeping well.

It's a curious contradiction. The painkillers they've given him list drowsiness as a side effect and the doctors seemed certain enough of their ability to knock him out that they've insisted he set alarms to wake him so he can take more medication, telling him he won't feel like it but if he misses a dose he'll wake in agony. And they do make him feel sleepy, wrapping everything in a cotton-wool fog, but it's when he lays alone at night that the quiet sharpens enough to let him turn events over in a way that denies him sleep.

So much lost. Altissia is in a state of ruin, and the Lady Lunafreya -- he'd only met her once. He'd been allowed a visit when Noctis was healing in Tenebrae, the conviction that he oughtn't miss any of the schooling that would one day be so important something of a moot point when his concern about the prince had seen his classwork plummet anyway. Luna was only a few years older than he, but taller and graceful and so warm that only moments in her presence had entirely snuffed the childish jealousy he felt over Noctis' prattling about how cool and pretty and nice she was. He'd been a little starstruck as a child, and truth be told - all complicating factors aside - he'd looked forward to seeing her again as an adult, a woman full of courage and wisdom.

But Lunafreya is dead, and Ignis sees nothing at all.

It wouldn't be so bad if Noctis were present. He's been such a presence through Ignis' life that just having him around feels grounding, like a tether to home and to reality. Even if he's sulking, or fishing while the rest of them grow bored to tears, or simply sleeping. Prompto tries, bless him; he's a near-constant presence, chatting away and fetching coffee and reading the news to him, but he can tell that even Prompto knows he's not what Ignis craves. But the last time Ignis was in Noctis' presence was when he finally woke, and since then Noctis has sequestered himself and really, Ignis can't begrudge him that. Noctis has lost more than any of them, and Ignis is in no fit state to comfort him. At best Noctis would pity him; at worst, he'd see how adrift Ignis feels, realise the truth of it. He hates the constant battle against slipping into indulgent self-pity, but he at least has the pride not to invite Noctis to sink with him. Perhaps tomorrow he'll source some sweets and send Prompto to deliver them. From what Gladio's told him (and Prompto won't) Noctis is just as likely to refuse that, but at least he'll know they're thinking of him.

The medication has tamed his injury, left it something that stalks and growls instead of roaring, but it does nothing for his unease. He sighs, rolls onto his side, and resigns himself to another lengthy night of missing his vision, and his freedom, and his prince. ]

Comments

[blindsider]

[ Noctis bumps his head against him like an affectionate cat, and it's enough to wave away the maudlin thoughts, or the threat of more tears of gratitude at finding there's still a place for him. He laughs instead, low and quiet,and shift his hand to thread fingers into Noct's hair and stroke there. ]

What, and give up the opportunity to always be the smartest person in the room? It's like you don't even know me.

[ A glib answer to a somewhat touchy recollection. The truth of it is that even at their worst, when things had been so cold between them that he'd been sure Noctis didn't want him around, the thought of Noctis not being in his life any longer had been more than enough to prevent any offers from seeming very appealing at all. No matter what he's felt for Noctis through all the years - kinship, frustration, awkward attraction - it's always been rooted in love. The kind that lasts a lifetime, regardless of proximity or difficult times. ]

Nothing would have been worth losing you.

[ Not a comfortable life of academia, not accolades for research, not his sight. ]

[linkstrike]

[ he snorts at that, even though it melts away into a pleased sound as ignis starts to comb his fingers gently through noctis' hair. it's always been one of the fastest ways to lull him to sleep -- even when his nightmares are at their worst, ignis has never failed in soothing him back down to sleep with a little bit of petting. and it's probably no surprise that it's working now; his body is still trying to recover from his battle with leviathan, and being cuddled up in the blankets with ignis already has him warm and relaxed. ]

Like you still wouldn't be the smartest guy around. No one in that dumb university had anything on you, Specs.

[ but he hesitates over the next bit for a moment, before: ] ... and even if you decide you want to do something else one day, it doesn't mean you'll lose me. I mean... you're one of the most important people in my life. That's never gonna change, no matter what happens.