a man may drink and not be drunk

[exsurgo]

[ 1;

It bleeds together. Days after endless days, blurring into one another because none of them really matter until Cloud wakes up. Not that he doesn’t value each and every one of them, every day that he and Cloud make it through unscathed. And the end – that bleeds together, too. He remembers putting Cloud down behind an outcropping, trying to keep him sheltered, ruffling his hair. More men than he could have imagined standing before him. Against him. Fighting until he could feel himself starting to slow, hot bursts of pain, falling. And Cloud’s face. Cloud’s voice, telling him no, but it’s such a backwater name -

no. That was before. He isn’t remembering right. Cloud is here, but he’s mako poisoned. He can’t move without help, that’s why -

no, he did move, he crawled over and Zack told him -

told him -

he can’t remember. Could, if it was quiet, if he could hear his thoughts over the underwater whoosh of his own pulse in his ears. But at least it’s warm - why is it warm? It’s cold, the rain and the hard ground beneath him and the chill he knows is from blood loss -

his body feels light. Like floating. Dying, must be. That’s why he said all of that, right? He got to see Cloud one last time, that’s something. He would like to see him again, but he’s tired. He’ll sleep, and then

2;

beep. beep. beep. His alarm? He’s too tired to get up, too woozy, must have only just fallen asleep -

not an alarm. A monitor. Infirmary? The antiseptic tickle of the air he breathes in says yes. Opens his eyes. Fluorescent light, stiff white sheets, a rattly cot. Oh. Infirmary for him, then. His chest hurts. How did we wind up here, huh? he asks, coughs around it, finds his voice creaky and stale. Cloud’ll forgive him, he’s sure. And Cloud is -

not here. He calls. Then shouts. Then pulls a needle from his arm and starts peeling off sticky tabs – good thing he was never prone to chest hair – ignores the way the monitors trade their beeps for screams one after the other, swings his feet out of bed just as a whitecoated woman appears in the doorway. Cloud, he insists, where’s Cloud, and she lifts her open hands and walks toward him and asks him to sit down, please, Mr Fair, you’ve been through quite the ordeal just as he pushes up and off the bed and he falls and bowls into her, knocks them both to the floor. Running, then, the sound of hard soles on polished floors, hands under his arms to lift him up and a face he recognizes as friend-turned-threat. Threat? He wondered, thought maybe not -

but Cloud is gone, and nobody gets a pass until Zack knows where he is. He shouts something, takes a swing. His arms get pinned to his sides and there’s the bite of a needle and just enough time to think the prick sedated me and then

3;

easier, this time, the light, floating feeling of his body solidifying, settling into itself and all his constituent parts in a way that feels less woozy, less garbled. There are still beeps, and when he cracks his itchy, dust-dry eyes open the lights are still fluorescent. The air still prickles of hospital. And his first thought is still Cloud but this time, when he turns his head to look for the needle and pull it out -

there he is. Cloud. Slumped unmoving in a chair, like Zack had so long to get used to, but dressed differently. Accessorized. Zack laughs, and it sounds like rust, but he means it. ]

There you are.

Comments

[exsurgo]

Hey, Cloud.

[ Man, he sounds like shit. Not that it matters; things are starting to settle and clear in the churning mess of his brain and he's pretty sure they were both in a real state last time they spoke. Cloud reaches for him and then pulls his hand back, and Zack follows with his own like pleading for it when he can't quite close that distance.

It's there. Light in Cloud's eyes, the intelligence he knows. A good dose of that mako green, too, but that doesn't seem nearly as important right now. It's not the sad, empty stare he last remembers, and the sparks real hope in him. Although -

yeah, he's different. Sharper now. Still heartbreakingly pretty, though. He smiles, feels one corner of his mouth quirk up more than the other, and tries to ignore the hopeful prickle behind his eyes. ]

How're you doing?

[disheroic]

Hey.

[ there's so much more that he wants to say, but it catches behind the swelling in his throat and refuses to resolve itself into spoken words. but there's no hesitation this time in the way he reaches for zack's hand -- catches it in both of his and wraps his hands around it like it's something unspeakably precious, punctuating the gesture with a little squeeze.

it almost makes him laugh, zack asking how're you doing? like cloud's the one worth being worried about. but that's zack all over -- he always put cloud first, even when it didn't make sense, even when there's no one else who would've. and the familiarity makes him ache all the way down into his bones; after everything he's been through, it's too much to hope that zack will just be okay, but -- ]

I'm good. [ rubbing the pad of his thumb gently along the side of zack's hands -- wishing he'd remembered to take off the gloves, but there's no way he's letting go long enough to fix that now. ] You okay?

[exsurgo]

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like microwaved shit, but I'm okay.

[ He is not okay. That's Cloud, moving around, responding to him with more than repetition, asking questions back, and that treacherous prickle at the back of his eyes wins and a tear squeezes out. He whips the hand that isn't currently clutched between Cloud's to swipe it away, nearly smacks himself in the face in the process, but -

it's good. It's damn good to see him like this. Everything they went through together, carting Cloud around the way he did - it paid off. He's awake, he's talking.

Okay, Zack is definitely losing this fight against the tears. ]

Damn, it's good to hear your voice.

[disheroic]

Good to hear yours, too.

[ and there's a part of him that's almost wary of closing the distance -- there's no way of knowing how much zack will remember, what he'll be okay with, but. the sight of those tears is enough to make the decision for him; he's out of the chair and sitting on the edge of the bed before he can question himself, freeing up a hand so that he can reach out and gently wipe the tears away from the corners of zack's eyes.

it's good just to touch him. to confirm for himself that he's warm and real, too solid to just be cloud's mind playing tricks on him again.

the pragmatic part of him knows that he should go and alert one of zack's doctors to the fact that he's awake, make sure he's checked over properly and tended to. but it's been so long, and there's a selfish urge to steal just a few more minutes alone with him. ]

[exsurgo]

Hey. Is there water?

[ Not to break the spell, but - ]

My mouth feels like something died in it and I really wanna kiss you.

[ He remembers that much. Or at least, he thinks he does - stolen kisses and secret fumblings that turned out to be not so secret (and not so fumbling, really, they were good together) might have been imagined or dreamed, but he knows that his heart shattered when he pulled Cloud out of that tank and he was unresponsive. He knows that he would have fallen much sooner if he didn't have the thought of getting Cloud back to spur him on -

he knows he loves Cloud, in his heart and his every breath and in the soft, aching marrow of his bones.

And if he's got it wrong, he'll just try and charm that one doctor he fell on into saying he bumped his head, or something. ]

[disheroic]

[ he's not a teenager anymore. so there's no excuse for the way something as simple as i really wanna kiss you should make his heart stutter in his chest and his cheeks tint with heat. but it's also zack, back from the dead and remembering him well enough to want to kiss him, so maybe that's enough to cut himself a break.

still --

water. ]

Yeah, hang on. [ another quick squeeze of zack's hand, this time almost like an apology, and then he stands up and breaks the contact. one of the nurses was nice enough to drag a mini-fridge for him after a few days of camping out here, and he's lucky that it's been kept stocked with water bottles. so he crouches there long enough to grab one -- then two, just in case -- before he heads back to zack, settling himself back on the edge of the bed and cracking the seal on one of the caps. ]

Think you can sit up?

[exsurgo]

[ Maybe it was rude to drop that on Cloud so suddenly, but the way his cheeks flush is absolutely worth it. And a pretty good clue that the kissing (and everything else) wasn't just a story he told himself while he thought he was dying, too! But Cloud squeezes his hand and gets water, and Zack is 100% sure he can sit up because if you can get out of bed and almost give Tseng the smack he deserves, you can sit up, right? ]

Yeah, 'course.

[ It's more effort than it should be. Not hard, not painful, but it's slow and everything about him feels heavy. His eyes go to Cloud, then to the water, then back to Cloud. ]

You're bigger, man. You're ripped. Just how long was I out?

[disheroic]

[ cloud keeps a steadying hand on zack's back as the other man works to sit himself upright, watching carefully for any sign that the strain is too much. the SOLDIER healing process is legendary for a reason, but after what zack went through? cloud would much rather be safe than sorry.

so it's a relief when zack manages the task of sitting upright (mostly) on his own, but cloud doesn't waste any time rearranging the bed and pillows behind him to lean back on if he needs it. and then he reaches out to hook his foot around one of the legs of the tray-table, hauling it a little closer and putting the second water bottle on it for now. ]

For awhile. [ then he nudges the water bottle into zack's hand insistently. ] Water first, questions later.

[exsurgo]

Okay, okay.

[ Faux-put upon, acting like he's weary at being henpecked but secretly loving it. The hospital bed isn't up to much, but whatever Cloud does with the pillows is a blessing because when Zack leans back against them they feel soft and welcoming, and he takes that first sip of water with his eyes on Cloud's, a laugh in them.

And then, everything is forgotten but the water. It's like having a hangover; you feel crappy but you're resigned to your fate, willing to accept the horrible consequences of your actions, and then water happens. Cold and clear, flowing into you, plumping out the angrily wizened folds of your dehydrated brain and soaking your aching muscles until the world seems like it might not be so bad after all. He chugs the rest of the bottle, greedy, shameless little noises of pleasure escaping with every swallow until it's drained, and then he aahs like he's in the cheesiest beer commercial ever made. ]

Oh, man. That hit the spot.

[disheroic]

[ yep, that's why cloud grabbed the second bottle.

and it's probably dumb to feel so fond about watching someone chug water, but there it is. just being able to see zack again is better than anything cloud could've asked for -- watching him move, hearing him talk, real and warm and undeniably alive. it makes something in his chest ache with tenderness; it's like the part of him that's always been in love with zack only needed this to burst into bloom all over again, and cloud has forgotten entirely how to handle it.

he wants to kiss zack. he wants to wrap zack up in his arms and promise that cloud is going to protect him this time. he wants to curl up with zack in the narrow hospital bed and run his fingers over every inch of him, just for the joy of confirming that he's here.

... what he does, instead, is swap zack's empty water bottle out for the spare. ]

Here. [ softly, fondness undeniable in every syllable. ] Slower, this time.

[exsurgo]

I'll try. No promises.

[ But there's something so tender about the way Cloud does it, the gentle but insistent way he takes the empty bottle and hands Zack the fresh one, the softness - the love in his eyes as he watches Zack. It kind of makes him want to cry again, and definitely makes him want that kiss. So he takes a few more sips, more measured. See him following instructions? See how good he's being? When it's half empty, he presses his lips together like blotting them and smiles at Cloud, trying for shameless and feeling just a little shy. ]

So, about that kiss...

[disheroic]

[ cloud doesn't remember a lot about the time he and zack spent together. a lot of what's left is just impressions -- feeling warm, feeling safe, feeling loved. sometimes there are more concrete memories, but they play back to him like the footage from a damaged film reel -- the video cuts and jumps in places it shouldn't, the audio is missing half the time, and it's hard to make sense of much.

even still. this flirting echoes back to him like something he knows, and the way it makes his heart skip is something familiar. ]

You sure? [ because he can't help but want to be careful with him. but he also doesn't want zack to think it's because cloud doesn't want to, which is why he reaches out to put an arm on zack's forearm. gives him a little squeeze like it's a silent reassurance. ] You've been through a lot.

[exsurgo]

[ Zack could say I'm sure. He could also take a hint, read from Cloud's hesitation that maybe things aren't quite exactly as he remembers them. There's also the whole why are you suddenly ripped line of conversation - not that Cloud had ever really been soft or truly scrawny, he's just impressive now - which, he gets the feeling, is going to be a little more complicated than spending the time Zack was out to it in the gym.

He doesn't pursue that line of thought, and he doesn't say any of those other things, either. He just puts his hand over Cloud's, leans forward, purses his lips a little and closes his eyes expectantly. Kiss, please! ]

[disheroic]

[ it's stupid to be nervous. and maybe nervous doesn't exactly fit the bill -- it's a blend of nerves and anticipation, all blurred together and beating feathery little wings in his chest.

but if he's learned one thing from (nearly?) losing zack, it's that he never wants to pass up on a chance to kiss him again. so he leans in to answer that question, curling the fingers of one hand lightly at the nape of zack's neck and leaning in to press their mouths together. he makes a point to keep it chaste, soft and sweet but short -- but that doesn't stop it from hitting him like a punch to the chest, knocking the breath out of his lungs and making him ache.

and even when he breaks it, he stays right where he is, bumping their foreheads together gently. there's a lump in his throat that almost feels like it might be tears, but he does his best to level out the edges of his voice when he snorts a little laugh and says: ]

Gross. Morning breath.

[exsurgo]

Sorry 'bout that, buddy.

[ He isn't, and he doesn't sound it. Chaste and brief as that kiss was it's familiar enough to make him warm all the way down to his toes, and he cups his hand to the back of Cloud's head and sighs happily. ]

Should've smuggled me in a toothbrush. Hey - come up here properly? Sit with me.

[ He wants to be close. Just - to lean against Cloud, feel the weight of him, the warmth. Like he needs it. ]

[disheroic]

[ what he should do is go find a doctor. it's important that zack gets checked out, and that has to take priority over the urge to wrap himself up around him and never let go again.

but zack asks him, and it's almost a helpless thing. because there's very little in the world that cloud wouldn't do for zack, especially now, and... well, the inner battle really only lasts as long as it takes cloud to flick a quick look at the door, and then he's giving in.

careful, though. zack has an IV hooked up to one arm, so cloud settles in on his other side and makes a pointed effort to keep from jostling him as much as possible. whatever had happened to zack, he's healed from the worst of the wounds that cloud remembers -- but that doesn't stop cloud from wanting to err on the side of caution, to be careful with him. of course, that doesn't mean that he can't lean into zack once he's there, bumping their shoulders together and smiling crookedly over at him. ]

Hey. Sleeping Beauty.

[exsurgo]

Hey.

[ It's warm, eye-crinklingly full of love. This, this is good. He slips his hand down, brushes the backs of his knuckles over Cloud's hand, boy-shy and smiling. And there's Cloud here, too, warm and close.

Close enough for Zack to properly look at him. Not that he needed Cloud this close for that, but having him this close tends to one of the most urgent needs that had been clamoring for Zack's attention, so now he's freed up the brain space to notice. Cloud isn't just ripped now. He's older. Not old, not even old enough to have the start of laugh lines around his eyes or anything, but the softness of boyhood is completely gone from all the places it used to linger. ]

Cloud? How long was I asleep?

[disheroic]

[ it isn't a question with easy answers. and cloud almost wishes there was a way of pushing the conversation off entirely -- zack might even let him, if cloud was firm enough about it. but cloud also knows what it's like to feel like you have pieces of your own timeline missing; he knows what it's like to wake up not knowing, and it seems like the least he can do for zack is be there to slot the missing parts in for him.

still, it's not an easy thing, and nothing that'll come after will get any easier.

he drops his eyes down to zack's hand, takes it gently in his own and rubs his thumb across the other man's knuckles. doesn't look up when he answers, voice quiet. ]

Three years.

[exsurgo]

[ Fuck.

Three years? Three years, just - gone. Three years of his life. Three years he left Cloud alone, and the state he'd been in -

it's a horrible thought. It sticks in his throat like a too-big bite of bread swallowed too quickly, and he squeezes Cloud's hand, grateful for the touch. ]

Three years.

Shit.

And you? How long have you been awake?

[disheroic]

Three years.

[ give or take. there'd been a few stretches in there where he wouldn't really call himself awake, but that's... another story.

and he finally lifts his eyes back to zack's. ] What's the last thing you remember?

[exsurgo]

You.

[ And that... makes sense. It's horrible to think that he went lights out just as Cloud woke up - it was awful enough to have Cloud basically comatose for the time he did - but it lines up, right? Cloud had been unresponsive, and then he'd woken up and come to Zack. And yeah, he seemed out of it, but that was better than what he'd been up until that point!

It just sucks that Zack left him like that, is all. ]

Shinra caught up with us. You were still out for the count, so I tried to stash you. There were too many of them, and they kicked my ass, and I fell. And then you came over to me and said my name. I gave you the sword. And then -

I must have been pretty out of it by then, I guess. I thought I was dying. Floating out of my own body.

[disheroic]

[ their memories match up there, at least. it's a little disappointing that zack can't tell him how he ended up back at that lab -- then again, given their experience, maybe that's for the better. the less memories he has of places like that, the better. he doesn't want to wish them on zack. ]

Yeah. You -- [ he pauses for a second, because for all the damage done to most of his memories, that one came back to him crystal clear. he can still smell the mix of blood and gunpowder if he closes his eyes, still hear the wet rattle of zack's breath in his chest. he remembers the moment zack died, remembers the way the light went out of his eyes and his hand fell limp to the ground. ] I... remember that, too.

[ a little shake of his head. ] But I... was still pretty sick. My head was messed up for awhile.

[ it's the only explanation he can think of. that he'd been so fucked up by the mako and the trauma that he'd gotten it wrong, taken zack's death for granted. which... leads way to another pretty horrible realization. ] ... I left you there.

[exsurgo]

Good.

[ Sure, it raises a lot of questions - like how Zack got to the hospital - but it's how he would have wanted it. How he'd want it if it happened again. He didn't haul Cloud's ass halfway across the continent just to have him sit around and get picked up by Shinra because Zack dropped the ball, no sir. ]

Don't go down that road. I'm the one who got shot up, I'm the one who gets to decide if I'm mad about it. And I decide no. Anyway, we're both here now, so it worked out! I'm just sorry it took me three years to catch up.

[disheroic]

[ cloud knows zack's right, but it doesn't stop the guilt from eating at him. fortunately, guilt is one thing he's had a hell of a lot of practice in dealing with, and he knows that sometimes you have to make a conscious decision not to indulge it before it chews a hole in you. so he breathes in, out, and makes a concerted effort to shove the idea that he wasn't there for zack when zack needed him down and away.

he'll deal with it later. right now? he is here, and that's what he wants to focus on.

so he turns a little, leaning in to press a kiss against zack's temple and give his hand another little squeeze. ]

You're worth the wait. Always have been.

[exsurgo]

Guess I made an impression, huh? I'm glad.

[ It's... it seems like a good thing, weird as that is to say. That everything that happened happened, and brought them to here. When they were with Shinra it had all been moments snatched between training and missions, and then they'd been on the run and he hadn't even really known if Cloud was still in there. And now - they're here. He doesn't exactly know where here is, but Cloud doesn't seem to be worried or think they're in danger. Most importantly he's him, and Cloud is Cloud, and they're together. He leans his head on Cloud's shoulder, gives a little exhale. Yeah. It's good. He's quiet a moment, and then - ]

Hey, Cloud? I need to ask you something really important. It might be hard, but I need to know.

Did they hit my face?

Am I still hot?

[disheroic]

[ nothing about this is going to be easy. a lot has changed in three years -- cloud has changed, even though he only has muddy memories to go by. and there's a chance that zack will realize that and decide that this isn't the cloud he wants to be with, isn't the same one he fell in love with all those years ago.

but for now? zack puts his head on cloud's shoulder, and cloud can reach up and run his fingers gently through the other man's hair, and it feels like the closest he's been to okay in a long, long time.

... and yeah, it's impossible to forget that this is zack. the proof is there every time he opens his mouth. ]

Your face is fine. [ turning to press a little kiss up against his hairline, mouth twitching into something that's almost a smile. ] But they definitely scrambled your brain.

[exsurgo]

Oh, ouch. I guess that explains why I'm still crazy over a guy who doesn't appreciate my charms, huh?

[ If that sounded wounded - which it doesn't - he'd only ruin it when he tips his face up to steal a quick kiss from Cloud's lips. Just as chaste as the one before it, but still - it feels monumental, even more so now that he knows just how long it's been.

They've got some real catching up to do. ]

So when can we get a doctor in here to sign off on letting me out?

[disheroic]

Yeah. [ with a little roll of his eyes -- absolutely ineffective when that stolen little kiss is enough to have him smiling. ] I'm totally immune.

[ but that question? easy answer. ] We leave as soon as you're ready.

[ there will be plenty of protests on the subject, without a doubt, but he isn't letting anyone keep zack trapped somewhere he doesn't want to be. not again, not ever. thinking about it is enough to make his expression grow serious, head tipping slightly to one side as he considers. ] You want me to go talk to 'em?

[exsurgo]

Oh, I'm ready! I don't have pants, but that's a problem for everybody else to deal with on their own terms.

[ Actually, the list of things he doesn't have is pretty short, if he thinks of it as:

1: everything

but somehow, that doesn't seem important right now. He's here, and Cloud's here, and he's getting out of hospital. Everything else is just details. And honestly, he's pretty impressed by Cloud. The sure, confident way he says they can blow the joint, the offer to go talk on Zack's behalf? It's what Zack always saw in him, just waiting to come to the surface.

And it's kinda hot. ]

[disheroic]

[ cue a snort at that problem. luckily, tseng is nothing if not meticulous, and he'd already addressed that issue before cloud had even had a chance to think of it. ]

There's some clothes in the bag. [ nodding towards a duffel bag parked on the chair in the corner as he stands up, circling around the bed and back to the chair he's been using as basecamp for the past few days. luckily, he can afford to travel pretty light, so there's not a ton to pack back up. ]

If you feel up to it, you can grab a shower while I'm talking to the doctors. It'll probably take a minute.

[exsurgo]

[ It's weird that the feeling of general grossness doesn't properly kick in until Cloud mentions taking a shower. Then, suddenly, he feels like he's covered in a think film of yuck. Not as much as he might have expected, though, and as far as he can tell he doesn't smell, which raises the mildly horrifying spectre of spongebaths.

Yeah, he's glad that Cloud seems all set to get him out of here before he speaks too much with a medical professional.

But just like with the water, once he's in the shower (with Cloud's assistance to get there) everything else is forgotten. There's a plastic chair in the shower stall but he resists using it, wanting to prove to himself that he doesn't have to. But there's enough to make sure that doesn't feel like a struggle; he washes his body and gives a little sigh of pleasure when he feels properly clean, washes his hair too and savors the feeling of his fingers against his scalp, the fresh feeling left behind. It's good, but it's also the first point at which the knowledge that he was out for three years feels real to him; every sensation is intense, to the point where he's sure he can feel individual soap bubbles popping on his skin.

And as intense as that is, he still spends only a very brief time in the chair, and it's more in the name of relaxing than needing it. And when he's done he picks out an outfit from the offerings in the bag, trying to be on his best behavior when he chooses jeans instead of sweats, even if he decides to complement that with a black tank. And then there's nothing to do but wait patiently as a watchdog for Cloud to return. ]